Lol! Both those jokes are funny. The AOL article is fake though. Even inbreeding can't produce that kind of stupidity without skepticism.
Lol! Both those jokes are funny. The AOL article is fake though. Even inbreeding can't produce that kind of stupidity without skepticism.
"You are not free whose liberty is won by the rigour of other, more righteous souls. Your are merely protected. Your freedom is parasitic, you suck the honourable man dry and offer nothing in return. You who have enjoyed freedom, who have done nothing to earn it, your time has come. This time you will stand alone and fight for yourselves. Now you will pay for your freedom in the currency of honest toil and human blood."
- Inquisitor Czevak
alright my favourite joke...
There was once a hippy.... he was really horny and smooth... so he had scored with a lot of women before.... all types... except for a nun.... one day, on the bus, he sees the hottest nun ever! So, knowing the hippy, he approaches the nun and says, "Uh.. Miss, can I have sex with you?" The nun is offended, slaps him, and gets off the bus. "Hey kid, come over here" The bus driver signals to the hippy. The hippy, holding his slightly swollen face, hobbles over. "You know what? If you want to have sex with that nun, you have to deceive her." The hippy's face lights up. "She has a younger brother who is dying from a mysterious disease. If you say you are God and say you will save her brother, she might have sex with you!" The bus driver instructs. The hippy follows the bus driver's instructions and goes to her church... finding her in there praying! The hippy immediately puts on his white gown, halo, beard, and wings then approaches the nun. "I AM GOD! I WILL SAVE YOUR BROTHER! BUT FIRST YOU MUST HAVE SEX WITH ME..." The hippy pulls off a almighty and believing accent. The nun turns to the hippy and says, "Oh God. Please save my brother!! But.. (ponders) I cannot have sex with you as that is a violation of my nun rules, I can only offer anal sex." The hippy thinks for a bit, smirks, then reluctantly (Yeah right!) agrees. After 15 minutes of hot steaming anal, The hippy decides to blow his own cover. "He he he..." he chuckles "I'm the hippy!" The nun, stunned, replies, "He he he... I"M THE BUS DRIVER!"
sorry if this sucked
LMAO i think ive heard it before. good one 010.
let's revive this topic because i found a good joke..
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman wave at
him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he
knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think
you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind races. He racks his
brain and travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his
wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from Fred's stag night that I
fucked on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your
partner whipped me with wet celery???"
She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's Grade 3
teacher"
Oh my God.. OUCH.Originally Posted by Turkish-S
Anyway, a joke..
A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Got any bread?"
The bartender looks at the duck and says "No."
The duck replies "Ya sure you don't have any bread?"
"Quite sure" Says the bartender looking slightly annoyed.
The duck looks up at the bartender and says "Are you really sure you don't have any bread?"
"YES, I'M SURE!! If you ask me ONE more time, I will NAIL YOUR BEAK TO THE BAR!" The bartender yells at the duck.
The duck doesn't flinch and starts to think. . . . . Finally, the duck says "Got any nails?"
the bartender says "No."
The duck replies cheerfully "Got any bread?"
This is my most favorite joke ever:
One evening, a married couple had some friends over for a dinner party. The atmosphere was friendly and everyone ate and talked happily. After the meal, the men went into the living room to have some smokes and chill, while the women stayed in the kitchen and chatted. In the living room, the husband was telling his buddies about a restaurant he and his wife had been to the previous day.
"I tell ya, it was the best meal I have had in my life. That steak was perfect," He said.
"Yeah? What's the name of the place??" One of his friends asked.
"You know, I can't remember for the life of me what it was called. I think....Hey, you know that flower...the red one? With the thorns all over it? What's that called again?" The husband asked.
"You mean a Rose?" His friend answered.
"Ohhh yeah. That's it!" said the man as he turned his head to the kitchen and shouted to his wife: "Hey Rose!! What was the name of that restaurant we went to last night?!"
<@Terra> he told me this, "man actually meeting terra is so fucking big", and he started crying. Then he bought me hot dogs
> Indian With One Testicle
>>>
>>> There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named
>>> because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked
>>> everyone not to call him Onestone.
>>>
>>> After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,
>>> "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got
>>> around and nobody called him that any more.
>>>
>>> Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good
>>> morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
>>> the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made
>>> love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
>>>
>>> The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
>>> Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a
>>> woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for
>>> many years.
>>>
>>> Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw
>>> Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
>>>
>>> Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made
>>> love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all
>>> the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird
>>> wouldn't die!
>>>
>>> What is the moral of this story?????............................
>>>
>>>
>>> OH, come on...take a guess!
>>>
>>>
>>> Think about it ....... (You're going to love this!)
>>>
>>> And the moral is:
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> ...You can't kill two birds with one stone.
more jokes people come on.
I was just reminded today of a good joke concerning grammar I heard a while ago:
Why you should never end your sentences with a preposition:
Harry was getting along in years and found that he was unable to perform sexually. After putting it off for some time, he finally went to his doctor. The doctor tried a few things, but in the end, nothing seemed to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.
Shortly after Harry's arrival, the medicine man says, "I can cure this." He throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.
Then he says,"This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"
Harry then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"
The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is "1234", and it will go down. But be warned," He said gravely, "it will not work again for another year."
Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess.
That night he is ready to surprise his wife, Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123."
He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life, just as the medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks,
"What did you say 123 for?"
<@Terra> he told me this, "man actually meeting terra is so fucking big", and he started crying. Then he bought me hot dogs
Well, after much deliberation, I've decided to share with you some of the choicer dead baby jokes I've come across. These are very popular in my town when I was growing up, but I know there will be people who oppose them, so:
DISCLAIMER: These jokes are very perverse and disgusting. Read them at your own risk. However, their perverse nature also makes them horrificly humorous to those with a darker sense of humor. You've been warned.
Q: What's worse than a dead baby?
A: A pile of dead babies.
Q: And what's worse than a pile of dead babies?
A: A pile of dead babies with one in the middle trying to eat its way out.
Q: And what's worse than a pile of dead babies with one in the middle trying to eat its way out?
A: It going back for seconds.
Q: What's brown and knocking on the door?
A: A baby in the microwave.
Q: What's red and silver and can't go through a revolving door?
A: A baby with a javelin stuck through it.
Q: What's yellow, green and blue and hangs out at the bottom of a pool?
A: Baby wearing slashed floatees.
Q: What's yellow, green and black and hangs out at the bottom of a pool?
A: Same baby two weeks later.
Q: What's yellow, green and red and hangs out at the top of a pool?
A: Floatees with slashed baby.
Q: What's red and blue and orange?
A: A dead baby in a Broncos uniform
Q: What's the perfect gift for a dead baby?
A: A dead puppy.
Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
A: Take your foot off of its head.
OR
A: Two scoops of ice cream, 1 scoop of dead baby, root beer.
Q: What do you get when you set a baby on fire and kick it down some stairs?
A: An erection.
Q: What's worse than a dead baby washing up on the shore of ocean?
A: Trying to hide your erection.
Q: What's the worse part about fucking a dead baby?
A: Getting blood on your clown suit.
Q: How do you make a 4 year old cry for a second time?
A: Wipe your bloody dick off on her teddy bear.
Q: How many dead babies can you fit in a Volkswagon?
A: Depends how good your blender is.
Q: And how do you get them out?
A: Nachos.
Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
A: You have to take your boots off to jump on my trampoline, partner.
Humans are different from animals. We must die for a reason. Now is the time for us to regulate ourselves and reclaim our dignity. The one who holds endless potential and displays his strength and kindness to the world. Only mankind has God, a power that allows us to go above and beyond what we are now, a God that we call "possibility".
My joke thread is better (yes a shitpost):
http://forums.gotwoot.net/showthread...ighlight=jokes
Merged
Last edited by masamuneehs; Tue, 05-01-2007 at 08:23 AM.
I'm sorry if this is a bump, but I just checked this forum out. This was definitely one of the best if not THE best joke I have ever heard.
Now 99% disease free!
Ok, so this guy and this girl around my age want to have a little sex. The main problem is they have to do it in a bunk bed. Normally this is not a problem, but the girl's little brother was in the bottom bunk sleeping. Well they start fooling around and the girl hops on top and says, "Ok we have to be quiet, so if you want me to go harder say lettuce, if you want me to go faster say tomato."
Well, being a guy, he is pretty much screaming a few minutes into it. "lettuce, tomato, Lettuce, tomato, LETTUCE, TOMATO!"
Finally, the boy on the bottom bunk wakes up and says to them, "Guys, you got to stop making sandwiches, your getting mayo all over me!"
Last edited by Spiegel; Tue, 05-01-2007 at 03:24 PM.
Oh my God Spiegel! That is so wrong! xD. Disgusting, funny as hell.
Loved the One Stone joke, absolutly the best.
Laughing my ass off at Spiegel joke.
and, Dead baby for the win.
Every joke except this one are funny:
Nothing funny about a 4 year old getting rape..Q: How do you make a 4 year old cry for a second time?
A: Wipe your bloody dick off on her teddy bear.
Shut the fuck up and relax.
nope i hate baby jokes.
But here is another funny list
SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Go t stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The en tire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is r! restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
Not quite sure about the others, but this one is a Bill Engval "Here's your sign..." joke.
Credit where credit is due, dudes.
<@Terra> he told me this, "man actually meeting terra is so fucking big", and he started crying. Then he bought me hot dogs
I've heard Spiegel's joke and the sexual exhaustion before. The Onestone one is clever.
This is a pretty good one.
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, " Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.
Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
edit: And this one.
One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.
"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.
"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
"Amen," replied the congregation.
LaZie made this...a long time ago.
"It was a very depressing time in my life, since I had no money I was unable to screw the rules" -Kaiba
Late one night a couple is driving down a country highway and run over a opposum.
Knowing that mother opposums often carrying babies in their pouch, they decide to check out this poor animal. Sure enough, there was a baby, so they decide to rescue it.
They take it into the car and continue to drive down the road. The little opposum is scared and is squirming around like crazy, so the wife asks the husband what she should do. He thinks for a minute and says "Well, it's used to being in it's mother's pouch. Maybe if you unbutton your jeans and put it in 'there' it will calm down."
She exclaims "I'm not going to do that! That thing is smelly and nasty!"
The husband replies "Well, why don't you just hold it's little nose?"
"Our hearts are full of memories but not all of them reflect the truth. The heart isn't a recording device. Even important memories change with time. They warp or fade, leaving us with but a shadow of what we hoped to remember." 天の道を行き、全てを司る。これは僕の世界。
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