Only 1 story was submitted in the round 5 bracket, so it automatically moves on. Feel free to submit feedback to the story below.
Instead, the poll for this thread will be a bit different. Here, you can vote on whether you think we should add "creative writing" to one of the sections like Books or Fanart (or if it should be added to the forums period...). Also give details for your choice below.
Last edited by Sapphire; Tue, 07-05-2011 at 04:18 PM.
"Leaving hell is not the same as entering it." - Tierce Japhrimel
Nobody posts in those things unless the forum is super-active. And even then, they tend to be avoided.
Yeah. 'Cause you're super-mean.
Wow.... What a deep subject. I usually don't like those deep-social-problems types of stories, so I din't expect to like it. And while I din't exactly have a lot of fun reading it, I do admit, I wanted to know. I wanted to see what was going to be said or done. So, I'd say I was hooked. Good job! You got me to read it carefully to the end. But it didn't feel like a complete story, it seems like there is going to be a whole lot more to be said, and or done in that Intervention.
The sudden, "I'm sorry", at the end was too sudden. I can certainly imagine that, in the end, if he did care for his wife, he would reach that conclusion, but not that quickly. Not with the revelation that was made in front of everyone to his incredible embarrassment. However, I guess a 500 word cap seems to have that kind of affect on stories.
Yes. Let us see where things will go from there with further development in this scenario.
The scene was well set; the expectation for a major shoe to drop was built up; the tension between him and them was thick; so, when the shoe finally did drop, it was something completely unexpected and shocking.
I'd have voted for it.
Actually, it's a 500-word minimum.Originally Posted by DeadlyOats
As for the story, ending it that abruptly reeks of a cheap attempt at shock. You gotta segue your ass into that shit so it doesn't read like
You should have ended it withThe clouds were set in the sky. A hazy, overblown sickness lingered in the air as the dead rose one by one. His eyes narrowed. His wrists? Broken. This day may be his last, but he would certainly set things right. For everything she had given him, he had to.
"I like lollipops."
or, you know, something fucking similar so it doesn't pop out of nowhere. :/Fuck it. She, of all people, doing this to me? Well, I knew exactly what I had to tell her.
"I... I'm sorry."
Last edited by Dark_Sage; Wed, 07-06-2011 at 08:29 AM.
A lot of the short stories I've seen submitted so far are in first person. First person is terribly difficult to write in and establish a strong setting. That's one thing that you don't do successfully. I can understand there are people in the room, but I can't fully understand the emotions they're displaying or how they're sitting/standing.
The protagonist was unique. I would not imagine someone reacting that way and being that coherent when being accused of alcoholism. I do understand that there are high functioning alcoholics, and he was surprisingly witty despite his fallacious lines of reasoning.
Avoid using quotation marks for emphasis. Punctuation controls the flow of narrative differently. If you want to show emphasis, then you should bold, underline, or italicize.
Also, I voted no. When I write, I prefer to host it in a place that I can use as a portfolio, so I keep it on my blog. Those with interest in writing professionally should do the same.
You used transition words during the narrative when they were unnecessary. Precise and concise writing is what you should strive for above all else in a short story. You're working within a very limited scope. Use as little words as possible to describe as much as possible. Just remember that English words always over power Latin or Greek words.
Some of the narrative vocabulary didn't feel as if it fit the tone of the story. Spake is the archaic past tense of speak. Now it should be spoke, and considering the situation that was happening, was the priest really speaking with the ordinary voice? Did you use the word without understanding it? That would violate the precise language mentioned earlier. Why was the protagonist using Yiddish words? The story explains that his wife is a very devout Christian, but you never establish his cultural background.
I was not expecting the specific problem his wife had with his alcoholism. It is a unique approach I don't see taken often, although I do agree that the shift to the apology was either too abrupt or not explained properly. I can assume a lot of stuff, but you shouldn't allow me to assume how the change was made, especially since this story is told from the first person. I should understand if he really had a change of heart or if he's saying that he's sorry to appease others. I don't mind that it ends with just the apology, but a better build up would be good.
Also, I voted no. I plan on writing professionally, so I keep my writing hosted on a place I can use as a portfolio: my blog. I wouldn't contribute and don't think that's the kind of thing that would be put to good use on a forum.
Last edited by RedneckNoob; Sun, 07-10-2011 at 03:16 AM.
First and foremost, Intervention: I thought this was a fantastic Story.
Secondly, the vote. I vote Yes, IF, and this is a pretty big if, if we have an informal policy that the section was developed with the intention of sharing and constructively assisting each other. Not merely a board for criticism of stories. I believe it would do more harm than good to expose novice, beginning, or self conscious to constant or needlessly harsh criticism instead of constructive criticism and helpful advice. So, like I said, I voted yes; but that yes comes with some strings attached. If the board was expected (or even tolerated) to have the level of discourse of the trolling board I would have voted no.
When man invented the bicycle he reached the peak of his attainments. Here was a machine of precision and balance for the convenience of man. And (unlike subsequent inventions for man's convenience) the more he used it, the fitter his body became. Here, for once, was a product of man's brain that was entirely beneficial to those who used it, and of no harm or irritation to others. Progress should have stopped when man invented the bicycle. ~Elizabeth West, Hovel in theHills
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