Terra defeats your privacy part 302: The Relationship (& luv) Thread

[Ero-Fan]

Yeah I've experienced that "go from one friend to another thing" before too. I've never understood people like that. I'd never let a mate's ex get a shot at me, I have too much respect for my friends to start dating their ex girlfriends... but yeah.

Ero-Fan, some tips for you:

You should make sure that your girlfriend also feels that your fights aren't serious. I might be wrong here of course, but given that you two are so different, I think chances are high that she secretly actually takes them seriously. And, why fight to begin with if the arguments aren't even serious? You also write that you show almost no emotion except anger, isn't it a possibility then that she doesn't dare to show that she hates the fights?

I hope I'm not taking too many liberties here, but I've seen my share of different women and I just thought I'd share my advice. If you are going to get married, you must be 120% sure that it's the right girl. Marriage is hell to get out of if you ever change your mind...

Yeah, I kinda made sure of that too. I ask her about it, and she says she likes to fight as well. She also knows not to take much of what I say too seriously. At least, she says she does. You know how women are... Besides the fact she cries every time she has to go home after a weekend. Supposedly for leaving me, but I think she just hates school. I just enjoy a good fight, and from what she says, she does too. And as I said, but I'll say it clearer here: Make-up sex is always better than regular sex. And most of the time I'm nice to her (in private). Most arguments end with us laughing. I say I only show anger, I do have other emotions of course. I won't get in to why I don't show anything else, suffice to say you can blame that bastard who calls himself my father.
That's why I said we will live together (alone) for a while before we get married. Basically take a test drive on how day to day living will be compared to what we have now. That way she gets to see how much of a mess I can make of a house and how waking up every day next to each other will be like.

[Terracosmo]

Well looks like you thought things through, in that case I'll just wish you good luck.

For the record, make-up sex might be nice, but it doesn't beat drunk sex! Hell yeah!

[Ero-Fan]

Well looks like you thought things through, in that case I'll just wish you good luck.

For the record, make-up sex might be nice, but it doesn't beat drunk sex! Hell yeah!

Thanks. Yeah, I hope I thought of everything, but I doubt it.

Haha. Neither one of us likes to get drunk. She likes to make fun of drunks, I like to beat them up. Her cousins get shitfaced, so its fun to screw with em.
Edit: Watch. Now that I said all this, with my luck, she'll dump me. Ha!

[XanBcoo]

Ero_fan, you seem to have a pretty good relationship imo. The fact that you guys can argue not-seriously like that a lot seems kinda sweet in a way. Also seems like there would be less tension between you if a real argument were to occur. Good luck.

At the moment I'm not dating anyone, nor am I really interested in any specific girl. I've actually never been in a real relationship before. My first "girlfriend" was this girl I basically thought the world of for about 6 years before I finally told her how I felt - which was in 8th grade(ish). She basically was all "ok cool, so let's be g/f and b/f and stuff" but I think she forgot she said that roughly 2 days afterwards. I heard she made out with this guy at a party and had a crush on this other guy at a different school, and some other bs that I don't care to recall. After a few more days of not hearing from her, our "relationship" just sort of stopped (technically, we never officially ended it, heh). Looking back, I'd say she had about 0 romantic feelings for me, but didn't want to reject me because we used to be such good friends. She might have given me more of a chance had I been a spectacular boyfriend that outshined every other guy in teh universe, but I don't think I was ready for such a serious commitment anyway. I'm still not sure what my take is on that situation.

My most recent crush is another one that didn't work out. I'm extremely hesitant to explain it in full because of the way I know the girl. In any case, I really admire her, even though I don't have the same feelings I did for her a while ago. So she's a good person and yadda yadda yadda, and up until recently I thought there was a chance she MIGHT like me as well. I had that thrown in my face the last time I saw her. Apparently I was not quite as close to her as I had lead myself to beleive. I had it in my mind that we were becoming really great friends, but actually it seems she doesn't think very much of me (she actually was being quite evasive every time I tried to talk to her). Such is life. I felt a little depressed when I realized nothing would happen between us, but no resentment whatsoever. Basically, it was just a whole lot of thinking in circles on my part. I've recognized my place in this one, and am comfortable that we are still quasi-friendly. This all happened recently, about a month ago.

Edit: Has anyone thought of posting pictures of their girls/guys? I think it'd be a cool idea. Also, Masa's fish metaphors ftw!

[RedX1z]

if it means anything, you were all so young back then, that nobody and i mean nobody fully understands the meaning of a relationship or don't even come close. least now, you should be old enough to understand it a little better now than before, so don't give up. i'm sure you can be greater if you tried, you just have to try. back then, i say that your situation from my point of view is bad timing, wrong people. least nowadays, if you look in the right direction, you can find those mature enough to understand you and such.

remember this.. how do you learn how to get up? by falling a few times here and there.

[gr3atfull]

@ UltxDarkRedX1
I dont think I was rushing into getting a boyfriend, I am not that type of person. I do believe they were assholes. But the fact is, I am still pissed. I mean geez, dont they used the brain ?!?! I do have emotions. I am still really sad that why in the fucking world does that have to happen to me? I mean I went out with 2 guys and I had to be use like a little kid? It is true that 90% chances were that we were going to break up, but not for that reason. And I tought hey they were the ONE.Guess they werent.

@ masamuneehs:
Location thing is true. But I never know what am I going to get into. I mean if I meet this guys, I wont know what type of guy he is. I mean what the person really really is. I prefer to go out with some one I know from school or connection than liking this attractive guy I found from a gym. I mean how do I know that he isnt a drug dealer and a dropout. That he just want to rape me or just making me go on drugs so then he can use me (I know that I am exagerating, but do you understand what I mean ? What are the chances I end up like that? What were the chances that I went out with two guys and end up being used?)

Anyways, I am just going to wait until I find THE REAL ONE.

[RedX1z]

sorry, i didn't mean to assume those things, it just sounded like it.

of course they know you have emotions, but those people just love to make their fun come before anything else including it and that's what makes them assholes. i'm sure people went through what you went through, probably even scarred them as well from it, but by not dating until you find that one is just proving that they won and you lost, that is why you must prove yourself right and them wrong by going out there without a care in the world.

[samsonlonghair]

Oh, the stories I could tell. Every relationship I've ever had has ended badly. And it was always my fault. I've always been a bit of a sociopath, but for some reason there are always women who think they can fix me. They say crap like, "You just need to be loved." or some other such nonsense. Then when it turns out that I really am as much of an asshole as I always claimed to be, they get mad at me.

Anyway, this went on for a few years. Some girl would fall in love with me, then I would inadvertantly make her feel like crap (what I warned her about), then we would break up. Lather, rinse, repeat. Each story has its own bit of insanity.

Then it happened. I found a girl who was such a bitch that she could match me. We drive eachother crazy, but we're in love. Go figure.

[Terracosmo]

Anyways, I am just going to wait until I find THE REAL ONE.

Well you're still very young... and definitely not alone in getting used either.
So just take it easy, and you'll find your prince in shining armor eventually (although you better remember that Yzak is MINE!)

[RedX1z]

Well you're still very young... and definitely not alone in getting used either.
So just take it easy, and you'll find your prince in shining armor eventually (although you better remember that Yzak is MINE!)

well, there's only one way to settle this..FIGHT TO THE DEATH!

@gr3atfull: didn't think you were that young, so yeah, whatever terra said. you led me to believe you were an adult for a secon..days..anyways, it doesn't make too much of a difference.

[gr3atfull]

sorry, i didn't mean to assume those things, it just sounded like it.

of course they know you have emotions, but those people just love to make their fun come before anything else including it and that's what makes them assholes. i'm sure people went through what you went through, probably even scarred them as well from it, but by not dating until you find that one is just proving that they won and you lost, that is why you must prove yourself right and them wrong by going out there without a care in the world.

Don’t worry. Actually, I find it’s really funny. You see, you are telling me that it might be that I am rushing into things, but my friends are telling me that I wasn’t "eager" enough. So, here I have the two sides opinions.But, you and my friends are telling me the same thing. You and them are telling me to get into another relationship. I guess I should. My friends are always trying to hook me up with someone,but I am scared. I mean, is this going to happen again? How in the world am I supposed to know that the guy is going to use me again? I guess I have to take the risk.

Well you're still very young... and definitely not alone in getting used either.
So just take it easy, and you'll find your prince in shining armor eventually (although you better remember that Yzak is MINE!)

Yeah, I noticed I am really young compare to everyone in this forum…. And I still have time long time in front of me.
Talking about Yzak, actually, he was always mine. Guess we have to share him .

well, there's only one way to settle this..FIGHT TO THE DEATH!

I don’t think he will dare to hit a girl… So I guess we have to share him

[el_boss]

The way I see it, a LOT of the men out there need to dampen their overall sex-drive. It might make it so girls can actually frequent a bar without getting felt up by some asshole. Masturbation is healthy!! <3

Just because you have a high sex-drive it doesn't mean you will become an asshole. I'm not really talking about the kind of guy that already gets out alot and grabs girls asses at that. He obviously already has that part of his life covered. I'm talking about the kind of guy that maybe doesn't like to go out much to clubs and stuff and doesn't like talking to girls. I'm not in any way saying that anyone should stop masturbating entirely. But try to ration it. Do it like once per week, make it special. This is an excellent way to practice self control as well.

It is also very important to be aware of the difference between pleasure and happiness. Are you a pleasure seeker or do you want to experience some kind of higher happiness in your life? For example smoking a cigarette might bring you pleasure for the moment. If you on the other hand quit smoking, by successfully conquering your habit you will permanently feel happiness over you accomplishment.

Come on now... that is not true. It's not always YOUR fault, people can have a bad day and their behavior will change accordingly. Especially with girls, it would seem. I've experienced insults from the opposite sex for no apparent reason more than once during what I have seen as normal conversations.

What is more encouraging? To constantly blame others or admit that you are the solution to your problems.

You have to understand that beautiful women get approached alot. It's preposterous to expect them to be nice and polite towards every guy that comes up to them and wants to buy them a drink. I still stick by what I said earlier. "If she doesn't like you, it means you did something wrong". What I said originally was that "don't ever get mad at a girl if she doesn't like you". So what if she had a bad day? You maybe should have been more cheerful and supporting or whatever. Maybe you just approached her from the wrong angle "something wrong" covers alot of things.

Going out and pursuing is one thing. Going out there and making an ass of yourself because you're too horny (and maybe drunk or high or something in addition) to think better of your, later regretable, actions can easily be avoided by an active imagination, maybe some visual aids, a hand and some tissues.

The fear of "making an ass of yourself" or losing face is just in your head. It's just a lie you tell yourself so you won't need to feel bad for not doing something. "If I do that everyone will laugh at me" or something along those lines. Do you think it's a healthy disposition to let what others supposedly will think stop you from getting what you want, what you need in life? This quote comes to mind, "If it's worth doing, it's worth doing badly".

You actually sort of bring up one of my main points yourself, though it is used in another context "...actions can easily be avoided by an active imagination...". Or more like actions are easily avoided by an active imagination. It all depends on how you use your imagination. Most people constantly go around and imagine worst-case-scenarios and worry needlessly. "Losers think about the penalties of failure, winners think about the rewards of success".

-----------------------------------

I just want to clear something up. It just happens that I have been reading and thinking alot about these sort of things lately. These are just some of my thoughts regarding this matter. I'm not trying to force my way of thinking on anyone. You can take it or leave it.

[Terracosmo]

"Just because you have a high sex-drive it doesn't mean you will become an asshole."

Didn't say that. There is however a connection. Someone with a high sex-drive is most definitely more likely to do something stupid towards a female.

"I'm talking about the kind of guy that maybe doesn't like to go out much to clubs and stuff and doesn't like talking to girls."

I don't think a guy like that would become anymore "interested" in girls just because he decreased his amount of masturbating. It's a question of what kind of person you are. Some do it a lot, some do it less, there isn't necessarily a connection to how much you like talking with girls. I'm a good example of that. I don't believe the two things cancel each other out at all.

"It is also very important to be aware of the difference between pleasure and happiness. Are you a pleasure seeker or do you want to experience some kind of higher happiness in your life? For example smoking a cigarette might bring you pleasure for the moment. If you on the other hand quit smoking, by successfully conquering your habit you will permanently feel happiness over you accomplishment."

I don't understand your point at all. You are comparing masturbation to smoking? And using such terms as self control? You make it sound like some kind of forbidden fruit which should only be accessed when absolutely necessary. I can't sympathize at all with that, sorry.

"You have to understand that beautiful women get approached alot. It's preposterous to expect them to be nice and polite towards every guy that comes up to them and wants to buy them a drink."

Nonono... that's not what I meant, this, I agree with. I personally despise men who just appear out of nowhere buying drinks for girls. Not only is it utterly pathetic, but it's also a great way of saying "lol here I am drink this and let's fuck!". I am proud to announce that I've never bought a woman I don't know a drink. What I meant in my earlier post was just idle conversation basically. I believe that no matter how beautiful a woman is, she should never take that for granted. As long as the man doesn't behave like an asshole (or like a stereotypical drunk who just wants some action), the fault lies entirely with the girl if she for example insults you out of the blue.

"You maybe should have been more cheerful and supporting or whatever."

That is just silly. Let's use me as an example. How am I supposed to know how bad a girl is feeling? Saying that "It was your fault, you should have been more cheerful!" is like saying to a dead ant "It's your fault, you should have moved out of the way when that guy crushed you with his feet!".

Bitches are bitches, idiots are idiots, morons are morons. There are never any given rules when it comes to these things.

"I just want to clear something up. It just happens that I have been reading and thinking alot about these sort of things lately. These are just some of my thoughts regarding this matter. I'm not trying to force my way of thinking on anyone. You can take it or leave it."

Yep, that's what forums are all about. Sharing thoughts.

(and posting hentai)

[el_boss]

The way I see it, a LOT of the men out there need to dampen their overall sex-drive. It might make it so girls can actually frequent a bar without getting felt up by some asshole. Masturbation is healthy!! <3

Someone with a high sex-drive is most definitely more likely to do something stupid towards a female.

I don't think a guy like that would become anymore "interested" in girls just because he decreased his amount of masturbating. It's a question of what kind of person you are. Some do it a lot, some do it less, there isn't necessarily a connection to how much you like talking with girls. I'm a good example of that. I don't believe the two things cancel each other out at all.

So what you are saying is (in this post and your previous post in answer to my first post here) :

• The sex-drive of men that don't masturbate "enough" gets too high.
• Men with too high sex-drive act aggressivly towards women.
• Men with too high sex-drive need to masturbate more to lower their sex-drive.
• Men with low sex-drive don't have different attitudes towards women than men with "normal" sex-drive.
• There is no connection between masturbating seldom and becoming more willing to approach a woman.
• There is no connection between masturbating alot and not having an urge to approach women.
• It's part of a mans personality how much he masturbates
• It's part of a mans personality how he acts towards women.
• Masturbation does not effect the sex-drive which is a constant programmed in to the personality.
• Sex-drive does not effect how a man acts towards a woman.

It's difficult to see your point since you contradict yourself regarding several issues. If you make your reasoning more coherent I might be able to undersatnd you more clearly.

I don't understand your point at all. You are comparing masturbation to smoking? And using such terms as self control? You make it sound like some kind of forbidden fruit which should only be accessed when absolutely necessary. I can't sympathize at all with that, sorry.

I wasn't really drawing any connection between the two things. I just wanted to make an easy distinction between pleasure and happiness, seems like I failed though.

You got the self-control part right, though I did not use it in the context of pleasure and happiness, but I believe that it is a relevant part of getting happiness. I was talking about the connection between not masturbating and getting out more. I'm going try and make this as simple as possible.

Let's say there are two shops in your neighborhood. A is right outside your door and B is 30 minutes away. So you always go to A because it's much easier and it saves you alot of time. Let's say for some reason that A is shut down. What do you think would happen? Would you just stand outside the door and wait for it to open again or would you start going to B?

Nonono... that's not what I meant, this, I agree with. I personally despise men who just appear out of nowhere buying drinks for girls. Not only is it utterly pathetic, but it's also a great way of saying "lol here I am drink this and let's fuck!". I am proud to announce that I've never bought a woman I don't know a drink. What I meant in my earlier post was just idle conversation basically. I believe that no matter how beautiful a woman is, she should never take that for granted. As long as the man doesn't behave like an asshole (or like a stereotypical drunk who just wants some action), the fault lies entirely with the girl if she for example insults you out of the blue.

You despise men who "appear out of nowhere buying drinks for girls" but if they are nice the girl has to be nice to them?

The reason that girls don't like "can I buy you a drink" is because they have heard it probably hundreds of times. It's the same thing with every kind of ordinary conversation opener like "what's your name?" and "have I seen you before?". They've heard it all before and they have developed quick effective ways to handle guys that come up to them with these sort of things. Because they don't want to be with those guys.

That is just silly. Let's use me as an example. How am I supposed to know how bad a girl is feeling? Saying that "It was your fault, you should have been more cheerful!" is like saying to a dead ant "It's your fault, you should have moved out of the way when that guy crushed you with his feet!".

Maybe the ant just like you didn't see the trouble coming. There are things you learn with time I guess. Intuition being one of them. The more you interact with women, the better you get at reading their signals.

Bitches are bitches, idiots are idiots, morons are morons. There are never any given rules when it comes to these things.

Idiots are idiots and morons are moron, but bitches are not bitches if you act right. It's true that there are no given "rules" but there are things you can do to let a woman lower her bitch-shield.

[Terracosmo]

Wow, like zero of the things you claim that I said are correct.
I wonder if you read my post or just tried to analyze it and failed. :S

I am going to step away from this discussion now since obviously we just keep misunderstanding each other and that takes the fun out of talking about it.

[masamuneehs]

...
...
...
a serious in-depth discussion about masturbation...
...
I got nothing to say on this except, "Is this even worth our time to debate?"

Someone post some scientific studies, that's the only thing that can sway my opinion.

[IFHTT]

I will add one thing,...

Actually it is like a circle all dealing with self-esteem.

The majority of men that don't actively go out to women or don't put forth the effort to meet someone, don't because of something they see flawed in themselves. So in reality

Low self-esteem leads to complacence which in turn causes masturbation to be more apparent. Just because someone masturbates alot doesn't mean they won't go find a woman. Hell if someone masturbates alot they are probably that much more prone to trying to find a woman because they have a need for release.

Well this sounded good in my head but didn't turn out so well in writing and since I no longer know where I'm going with this, I'll stop. I hope you guys get the gist of what I mean.
Basically Low Selfesteem is a bitch lol.

[FrogKing]

^I did a quick search and found this. Although it doesn't address the role of masturbation and dating per se, it does deal with the role of self-control and the selection of smaller, less delayed reinforcement versus the greater delayed, large payoff (kinda like what boss and terra were talking about). Overall, the study is more concerned with the treatement of destructive behavior by mentally retarded individuals by applying various reinforcement techniques :

Behav Modif. 2000 Jan;24(1):3-29.
" Facilitating tolerance of delayed reinforcement during functional communication training."
Fisher WW, Thompson RH, Hagopian LP, Bowman LG, Krug A.
Neurobehavioral Unit, Kennedy Krieger Institute, Baltimore, MD 21205, USA.

I did skim through the study and actually found the intro and discussion it quite interesting (the rest was way to clinical for me). Specifically, I found some interesting quotes that really are in no way in support or against masturbation; but rather, just some good food for thought.
'"self-control,” defined as choosing a larger,more delayed reinforcer over a smaller, less delayed reinforcer'
"Because tolerance for delayed reinforcement correlates positively with IQ (Mischel &Metzner, 1962), it may be particularly difficult to maintain appropriate target behaviors in this population when reinforcement is delayed."

I chuckled when I tried to imagine dating individuals and how these learned process could facilitate a more successful approach to meeting people.

note: this post was merely intended as a reply to masamuneehs' request for some scientific study and is to be taken as humorous!

[masamuneehs]

so here's the (or)deal:

i started fooling around with this girl recently, no sex, but plenty of everything else and sleeping over at each others' places and all that jazz. She's a virgin and being raised Catholic in Midwest America and going to Notre Dame has meant she hasn't had much relationship experience before me...

problem isn't quite that she's a virgin, it's that she's overly attached to me.

when we started out i told her i wanted an open relationship, she said fine.
two days ago we were talking and she said that she'd be totally crushed if she found out i ever messed around with anyone else. wtf is that?

the girl doesn't realize that she's in over her head. and the more she gets attached to me, the more i want to break it off. i didn't do a semester abroad to get some serious girlfriend. i didn't want to have to worry about another person. I wanted to have fun, be free to do as a i wish and have no commitments or obligations.

so i've decided to let her go, but goddamn if i'm not such a wimp when it comes to just telling her so. honestly i'd be content with going to an open relationship, but i don't think she's up for that. i tried to talk to her today about it and she started breaking down and crying. i fucking just can't say what i want when a fucking girl is crying in front of me. so i didn't break it off, just let her know i thought things were getting too serious..

fucking drama...
advice?

[Terracosmo]

I don't believe in open relationships. I think they are the silliest thing ever to have existed. I mean if you want to be "free" to do your gig, then why even bother having that person which you eventually return to? If two people want to constantly rely on each other for intimacy, why even bother putting a label such as "relationship" on it? Those are my 2 cents about that.

As for your situation, I don't find it strange that she has become so attached to you given her upbringing and inexperience with guys. The only thing you can do is to be honest about it. Of course she'll probably be depressed for quite a while after that, but as my mother always says "Life is about breaking hearts and getting your own broken". If you didn't turn up, she would have met someone else who'd eventually make her sad. Hopefully she'll understand the situation and walk away from it as a stronger person once she gets over you.