En, you are not a hypocrite. Maybe you feel like you've previously had the world organized into tidy little boxes and now this event has tipped your boxes over like dominoes, and you don't know how to rearrange them anymore because you can't put them back to how they were previously. You are someone who thinks about things on a very deep level, and being unable to understand things that you thought you had figured out is really frustrating. But, the thing about living is that none of us ever really have it figured out.
Here's my take on hypocrisy. It is not simply being wrong about something or changing your mind. A hypocrite espouses certain standards or opinions and forces them onto others, while not conforming to them with their actions. It's living by a double standard. Hypocrisy often arises from issues of insecurity, and is all about preserving a certain artificial image or status. One of the reasons it's so prevalent in churches is because people think that those around them are living at a certain standard, and they are afraid of being judged so instead they judge others and try to cover up their own shortcomings. It's a culture of deceit that flourishes extremely well in a religious context unfortunately. Hypocrisy is extremely damaging and hurtful.
The way to combat hypocrisy is by being real. Just be real about who you are, and what you think. You don't have to be anything else. Just the fact that you're here having this conversation En, demonstrates that you are extremely honest to yourself and straightforward to others. It's ok to change your mind. Galileo grew up believing that the sun revolved around the earth. When he found evidence that it was in fact the other way around, he didn't becoming a hypocrite. He brought his ideas into alignment with the truth. If he had continued to teach that the sun revolved around the earth after learning the truth, now THAT would have made him a hypocrite. I know your situation isn't as cut-and-dry as a scientific experiment, but trust yourself to figure it out.
What you're going through is unfortunate and tragic, but you're being given an insider view on something you'd only ever analyzed as an outsider before. It's new information to help shape your paradigm of life. Wanting to honour your family member, that is such a beautiful motivation. It's not selfish - it's a tangible manifestation of the relationship you have with this relative. That is real, and that is true. Don't burden yourself with worrying about how others perceive you or your actions. You will get through this, and even if your ideas come out a little different on the other side, keep searching for truth and constantly align your ideas with that, in the measure that you know. Every new experience is an opportunity to learn more, even if it's a crappy situation to be in.
Regardless of opinions on this or that anime or your crazy posts in the Flame Pit, you are a valuable part of this community. I don't usually respond to your 'essays', but I want you to know that I do read them. And even if it sounds corny, I believe in you. I am 100% in support of you. This isn't just me saying it for the sake of saying it. I'm being real with you. You're not just some kid, you are irreplaceable here. One of your New Year's resolutions was to see the world in a different way, wasn't it? Don't listen to fear, because it will only hold you back. Hold on to the things that matter. Things may get worse before they get better, but that's why you have community to support you as you go through it. We can't really support you in real material ways like your physical community can at home, so all I have to give you are my words and my prayers. Hopefully you find them helpful.
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Originally Posted by Uchiha Barles
