The Ask Terra Thread

[Terracosmo]

Due to popular demand and a general urge to find out how you can improve your no doubt substandard life, this thread has come to exist. Yes, if you have any problems with your life, relationship, cooking, lack of sex appeal, and so on, you may now pose all your questions to me, El Terracosmo-sama, and be enlightened.

(Note that this topic isn't really serious, and if you actually want help with something that... you need help with, there are other threads for that - such as the conveniently named "help me" thread, and so on).

And one final warning, or whatever:



This panda is trying to get a point across, namely, this topic is not for spam. It's not serious, but it's intended for fun, and while I am a funloving son of a bitch I am also an admin and as such the general forum rules still apply, even though the topic doesn't really make sense.

So yes, pose your questions, and let me guide you towards a brighter future.

Here is some additional information written by my secretary Deadfire who will also be the person responsible if the rest of you find these rule-thingies disagreeable (thank you DF!):

Some special rules of the thread.
1. All the advice is BAD (note the all caps), do NOT follow the advice given here.
2. Failure to follow rule #1 will not subject Terra nor any of the other parties involved with the maintenance and services provided on these boards to any form of legal liability.
3. If you follow the advice on this thread you shall be officially labeled as an Obliviot, and we shall taunt you a second time.
4. Do NOT follow the advice on this thread.
5. Ocassiionally I will put something in that is halfway useful in a answer, this in no way construes an attempt to give practival advice, it just means I was feeling lazy when I answered it an probably cut and pasted stuff in from a Google search.
6. I make NO promises, assurances, warranties or guarantees about the accuracy of the data provided herein save that it will be BAD ADVICE.
7. Timeliness, this thread will get answered as my break time allows. I will try to answer every question as quickly as possible, but I am doing this from work (for now) so if you are impatient and start bugging me, sucks to be you
8. If you know Ernie's sandbox game you'll know why 8 is such a funny number.
9. Means No in German.
10. Hutt
11. This thread will be: sarcastic, rude, sexist, and any other kind of naughty and annoying that I happen to feel like at the time of my response to your questions.

[Yukimura]

Terra, what is your personal definition of emo, and how can I ensure that I never fall into that category?

[Terracosmo]

Dear Yukimura,



Just avoid anything that this person stands for and you'll be fine.

Next!

[Deadfire]

Dear Terra,

How did you get that cosplayer so fast?

What is the square root of pumpkin pie?

If I played scrabble and spelled Slartibartfast, would you allow me to keep the word and score the points for it?

Is there anything worse than the commie mutant traitors?

What exactly is a "gotwoot"?

Who do you think will win the GWS?

I think you should add the following to your first post in some form

Some special rules of the thread.
1. All the advice is BAD (note the all caps), do NOT follow the advice given here.
2. Failure to follow rule #1 will not subject Terra nor any of the other parties involved with the maintenance and services provided on these boards to any form of legal liability.
3. If you follow the advice on this thread you shall be officially labeled as an Obliviot, and we shall taunt you a second time.
4. Do NOT follow the advice on this thread.
5. Ocassiionally I will put something in that is halfway useful in a answer, this in no way construes an attempt to give practival advice, it just means I was feeling lazy when I answered it an probably cut and pasted stuff in from a Google search.
6. I make NO promises, assurances, warranties or guarantees about the accuracy of the data provided herein save that it will be BAD ADVICE.
7. Timeliness, this thread will get answered as my break time allows. I will try to answer every question as quickly as possible, but I am doing this from work (for now) so if you are impatient and start bugging me, sucks to be you
8. If you know Ernie's sandbox game you'll know why 8 is such a funny number.
9. Means No in German.
10. Hutt
11. This thread will be: sarcastic, rude, sexist, and any other kind of naughty and annoying that I happen to feel like at the time of my response to your questions.

[ChaosK]

Dear Terra,
What can I do to prevent guys from trying to get with me, they need to find out i'm single.

Signed,
Straight Fucker.

oh wait...

[Terracosmo]

Dear fire that is apparently dead,

"How did you get that cosplayer so fast?"

I googled "people who should not exist", I found a link leading to a can of mustard, realized that I had accidently googled "mustard" and not "people who should not exist" (I wonder why?) and then, upon googling correctly, found the image.

"What is the square root of pumpkin pie?"

The circular root of a strawberry cake.

"If I played scrabble and spelled Slartibartfast, would you allow me to keep the word and score the points for it?"

No, but I would give you a free visit at a mental instituition that has helped me greatly throughout the years.

"Is there anything worse than the commie mutant traitors?"

Yes, commie mutant traitors who wear green. Not only is green hard on the eye in great doses, it is also an act of treason against commies, who should all be red.

"What exactly is a "gotwoot"?"

I'd tell you, but your brain would implode and cause a disaster even greater than having a conversation with me via PM.

"Who do you think will win the GWS?"

I've already won it, but you just don't know it yet.

"I think you should add the following to your first post in some form"

That is nonsense. I do not approve of nonsense, as I always make sense.

EDIT: DF bribed me so I added them

-----------------------------

Dear kid of chaos,

your question is one of great depth, and will therefore be illustrated as such:



If the homosexual in question isn't a midget, then you should just run, as he will likely force himself on you anyway.

[ChaosK]

Dear Terra,
Define midget, for if you mean someone shorter than me, or someone that has stunted growth, either way I'm not doing any of them.

Signed,
Dictionaryless.

[Assertn]

Blue or Purple nail polish?

[Terracosmo]

Dear chaos that is also a kiddo,

Midget; someone who is very short (or tired of life in general) - also see suicidal
(taken from Terra's personal wikipedia who only he himself has access to)

----------------

Dear failure of ass,

blue is of course, always, a surefire way of gaining attention, but from personal experience I'd still use purple since if you want attention you might as well pick an even more redundant color. I am assuming that is your goal, since if you wear either to almost any club, you'll be defeated swiftly by midgets of questionable sexuality (see also the answer to kiddo's previous question)

[Deadfire]

Dear King of Cosmos,

Why does the good men always die and the evil always make more money?

Why could nobody ever catch the ginger-bread man?

Why is Canada called the "know it all neignbour" by the US when they don't know anything about us?

What WOULD Jesus do?

What would happen if the world would end?

And finally from a random person (Who isn't me)

I have a problem with women; you see, I am very shy and while I take down guys who so much as look at me funny with no hesitation, I cannot even talk to a pretty girl unless someone else already knew her and marked his claim. Needless to say, this means all the women I know are married or similarly unavailable and all my friends are leaving me behind (number of friends who got married last year alone: four).
I am 20, 21 come Sept. I am too old to go to the usual hangouts and too young for many of the adult scenes. Any advice?

[woofcat]

What is the air speed of an unladen swallow?

[ChaosK]

Dear Cosmo of Land (err...),
I am currently playing drums, saxophone, guitar and piano. Which do you think I should spend the most time on and which do you think I should kinda, put away for a generation?

Signed,
Too-Talented

[Terracosmo]

Dear invisible man, (since you are a dead fire you don't exist)

"Why does the good men always die and the evil always make more money?"

Because the good men are in general a bunch of morons who use "good" as an attempt to separate them from the "bad" people who they in fact are jealous of. This is further encouraged by other similar idiots, who believe that feelings and love are more important than money. A bunch of nonsense, it is!

"Why could nobody ever catch the ginger-bread man?"

Because the Hinata cosplayer ate him.

"Why is Canada called the "know it all neignbour" by the US when they don't know anything about us?"

Probably for the same reason as norwegians call us morons - because they are right, even though we won't admit it.

"What WOULD Jesus do?"

Eat himself fat! I wish I could conjure food.

"What would happen if the world would end?"

The world as we know it dies every day. Tomorrow, the world will be changed once again. And... *gets shot*

No but seriously everyone will die and a billion years+ worth of development, science and everything else that humanity has accomplished will be null, zero, nada, zilch. So let's have a glass of wine and enjoy the fact that it won't happen during our lifetime.

"And finally from a random person (Who isn't me)"

(who is probably you)

"I have a problem with women; you see, I am very shy and while I take down guys who so much as look at me funny with no hesitation, I cannot even talk to a pretty girl unless someone else already knew her and marked his claim. Needless to say, this means all the women I know are married or similarly unavailable and all my friends are leaving me behind (number of friends who got married last year alone: four).
I am 20, 21 come Sept. I am too old to go to the usual hangouts and too young for many of the adult scenes. Any advice?"

Assuming that this person is in the same age as his friends, my first reaction is obviously "all these people got married while being 19-20 years old?". Brother, that is nothing to be envious about, as they are clearly fucked up for throwing their lives away that early. You are not left behind. You are superior. Unfortunately, you are also somewhat of an idiot and will probably die a virgin (assuming you are one), if you don't learn to talk to women. It's not that special. They are really a lot like us, except in the possession of breasts and some random conviction that they are as smart as men, which they clearly aren't.

Further, 20 makes you too old for the usual hangouts? Where do you live? Neverland ranch? Go out there and talk to people you dumbass. Oh and getting drunk helps.

------------------------------------

Dear woofcat,

I don't know, but once I ate a swallow and it didn't really satisfy my appetite. Using that as reference, I will assume that they are probably fast fliers since they are thin and meatless.

---------------------------------------

Dear kid who believes himself to be talented even though he probably only knows a little of all instruments he mentioned in his question,

the drums is the best instrument ever. But don't play that, because I don't want more competition (of course I'll be the best no matter how many other players there are but hey). Play the saxophone. It will at least make you popular with the ladies (the 50 year-old black ones anyway).

/Terra-sama

[Lucifus]

Dear King of the Cosmo(aka "MJ")

How fast is a average human beings sneeze?

Am I ever going to get laid if I keep my Don King Style Hair-do?

Why is my brother so gay?

What should I do with my massive collection of porn?

Why am I so attracted to lesbians?

And will my life ever amass to anything?

[Mr Squiggles]

Dear Captain Land-Space,
whenever I try to tell my friends that I'm actually a half dragon turned vampire who also happens to be the true messiah, they just look at me as if I am crazy and laugh at me. What should I do to convince them that it is the truth? Would this be a good time to kill a few of them to show them my true power, or is it still too early?

[masamuneehs]

I have nothing to say to this post. It is most amusing however it serves me not.

Anywho:
Deat T-cos:

What is the definititon of big pimp and how does one acceive it?

[Terracosmo]

Dear Lucifer wannabe,

"How fast is a average human beings sneeze?"

The amount of bacteria in your body times your probability of having aids divided wih the amount of times you've said that the Naruto fillers suck. If you haven't seen the Naruto fillers, or even worse actually like them, then just replace that number with 5 (as in your IQ).

"Am I ever going to get laid if I keep my Don King Style Hair-do?"

Of course, if you get as rich as he is.

"Why is my brother so gay?"

Since you are such a fan of lesbians, he took it upon himself to battle you from a the perspective of a man. It's your fault!

"What should I do with my massive collection of porn?"

...give it to me?

"Why am I so attracted to lesbians?"

Because you have never given a female oral sex, so you don't have to experience the turn-off which is knowing the taste of a vagina (sad but true).

"And will my life ever amass to anything?"

To be honest, no, nothing at all.

------------------------------

Dear squiddles or whatever,

some people are ignorant, and will sometimes not listen to perfectly sensible truth such as the one in your case. It is unfortunately a vital part of life for the average half dragon. Killing them won't solve anything, but you should probably do it anyway.

---------------------------------------

Dear drunken italian,

the answer to your question is quite simple, and can be expressed with this formula:

6=$=+6=$$=+++6=$$$$$$$$$$$$=<3

Which roughly translates into that you should sell your own body, and once you have sold enough sex you will be rich enough to pay your customers to spread your name along with the title of "pimp". If enough people hear it, they will think that you are a pimp instead of a whore, and since you have been a whore all your life you can put that knowledge to use by recruiting others to serve under you.

And then you'll find love in the form of a nice car (hence the heart symbol at the end)

/Big whore/pimp Terralini

[Winged Dancer]

Dear honey-pie,

Can I call you honey-pie?

[ChaosK]

Dear Unknown-sex-preference-fiend,
<Terracosmo> I am unemployed
How is the economy these days?
For that matter, how's life?

[Terracosmo]

Dear honey-pie, yes you may call me honey-pie, you honey-pie you.

----------------

Dear kid who I am beginning to fear is stalking me,

the economy is as fucking bad as always, and life blows just the same, and as you already know the unemployment is a fact. But it's okay because in my possession I have a sacred jewel which I found in my backyard last night. All I need to do now is to create a false rumor that it's worth something, and then sell it. Oh it will be great.