The Ask Terra Thread

[Terracosmo]

Due to popular demand and a general urge to find out how you can improve your no doubt substandard life, this thread has come to exist. Yes, if you have any problems with your life, relationship, cooking, lack of sex appeal, and so on, you may now pose all your questions to me, El Terracosmo-sama, and be enlightened.

(Note that this topic isn't really serious, and if you actually want help with something that... you need help with, there are other threads for that - such as the conveniently named "help me" thread, and so on).

And one final warning, or whatever:



This panda is trying to get a point across, namely, this topic is not for spam. It's not serious, but it's intended for fun, and while I am a funloving son of a bitch I am also an admin and as such the general forum rules still apply, even though the topic doesn't really make sense.

So yes, pose your questions, and let me guide you towards a brighter future.

Here is some additional information written by my secretary Deadfire who will also be the person responsible if the rest of you find these rule-thingies disagreeable (thank you DF!):

Some special rules of the thread.
1. All the advice is BAD (note the all caps), do NOT follow the advice given here.
2. Failure to follow rule #1 will not subject Terra nor any of the other parties involved with the maintenance and services provided on these boards to any form of legal liability.
3. If you follow the advice on this thread you shall be officially labeled as an Obliviot, and we shall taunt you a second time.
4. Do NOT follow the advice on this thread.
5. Ocassiionally I will put something in that is halfway useful in a answer, this in no way construes an attempt to give practival advice, it just means I was feeling lazy when I answered it an probably cut and pasted stuff in from a Google search.
6. I make NO promises, assurances, warranties or guarantees about the accuracy of the data provided herein save that it will be BAD ADVICE.
7. Timeliness, this thread will get answered as my break time allows. I will try to answer every question as quickly as possible, but I am doing this from work (for now) so if you are impatient and start bugging me, sucks to be you
8. If you know Ernie's sandbox game you'll know why 8 is such a funny number.
9. Means No in German.
10. Hutt
11. This thread will be: sarcastic, rude, sexist, and any other kind of naughty and annoying that I happen to feel like at the time of my response to your questions.

[Yukimura]

Terra, what is your personal definition of emo, and how can I ensure that I never fall into that category?

[Terracosmo]

Dear Yukimura,



Just avoid anything that this person stands for and you'll be fine.

Next!

[ChaosK]

Dear Terra,
What can I do to prevent guys from trying to get with me, they need to find out i'm single.

Signed,
Straight Fucker.

oh wait...

[Deadfire]

Dear Terra,

How did you get that cosplayer so fast?

What is the square root of pumpkin pie?

If I played scrabble and spelled Slartibartfast, would you allow me to keep the word and score the points for it?

Is there anything worse than the commie mutant traitors?

What exactly is a "gotwoot"?

Who do you think will win the GWS?

I think you should add the following to your first post in some form

Some special rules of the thread.
1. All the advice is BAD (note the all caps), do NOT follow the advice given here.
2. Failure to follow rule #1 will not subject Terra nor any of the other parties involved with the maintenance and services provided on these boards to any form of legal liability.
3. If you follow the advice on this thread you shall be officially labeled as an Obliviot, and we shall taunt you a second time.
4. Do NOT follow the advice on this thread.
5. Ocassiionally I will put something in that is halfway useful in a answer, this in no way construes an attempt to give practival advice, it just means I was feeling lazy when I answered it an probably cut and pasted stuff in from a Google search.
6. I make NO promises, assurances, warranties or guarantees about the accuracy of the data provided herein save that it will be BAD ADVICE.
7. Timeliness, this thread will get answered as my break time allows. I will try to answer every question as quickly as possible, but I am doing this from work (for now) so if you are impatient and start bugging me, sucks to be you
8. If you know Ernie's sandbox game you'll know why 8 is such a funny number.
9. Means No in German.
10. Hutt
11. This thread will be: sarcastic, rude, sexist, and any other kind of naughty and annoying that I happen to feel like at the time of my response to your questions.

[Terracosmo]

Dear fire that is apparently dead,

"How did you get that cosplayer so fast?"

I googled "people who should not exist", I found a link leading to a can of mustard, realized that I had accidently googled "mustard" and not "people who should not exist" (I wonder why?) and then, upon googling correctly, found the image.

"What is the square root of pumpkin pie?"

The circular root of a strawberry cake.

"If I played scrabble and spelled Slartibartfast, would you allow me to keep the word and score the points for it?"

No, but I would give you a free visit at a mental instituition that has helped me greatly throughout the years.

"Is there anything worse than the commie mutant traitors?"

Yes, commie mutant traitors who wear green. Not only is green hard on the eye in great doses, it is also an act of treason against commies, who should all be red.

"What exactly is a "gotwoot"?"

I'd tell you, but your brain would implode and cause a disaster even greater than having a conversation with me via PM.

"Who do you think will win the GWS?"

I've already won it, but you just don't know it yet.

"I think you should add the following to your first post in some form"

That is nonsense. I do not approve of nonsense, as I always make sense.

EDIT: DF bribed me so I added them

-----------------------------

Dear kid of chaos,

your question is one of great depth, and will therefore be illustrated as such:



If the homosexual in question isn't a midget, then you should just run, as he will likely force himself on you anyway.

[ChaosK]

Dear Terra,
Define midget, for if you mean someone shorter than me, or someone that has stunted growth, either way I'm not doing any of them.

Signed,
Dictionaryless.

[Terracosmo]

Dear chaos that is also a kiddo,

Midget; someone who is very short (or tired of life in general) - also see suicidal
(taken from Terra's personal wikipedia who only he himself has access to)

----------------

Dear failure of ass,

blue is of course, always, a surefire way of gaining attention, but from personal experience I'd still use purple since if you want attention you might as well pick an even more redundant color. I am assuming that is your goal, since if you wear either to almost any club, you'll be defeated swiftly by midgets of questionable sexuality (see also the answer to kiddo's previous question)

[Deadfire]

Dear King of Cosmos,

Why does the good men always die and the evil always make more money?

Why could nobody ever catch the ginger-bread man?

Why is Canada called the "know it all neignbour" by the US when they don't know anything about us?

What WOULD Jesus do?

What would happen if the world would end?

And finally from a random person (Who isn't me)

I have a problem with women; you see, I am very shy and while I take down guys who so much as look at me funny with no hesitation, I cannot even talk to a pretty girl unless someone else already knew her and marked his claim. Needless to say, this means all the women I know are married or similarly unavailable and all my friends are leaving me behind (number of friends who got married last year alone: four).
I am 20, 21 come Sept. I am too old to go to the usual hangouts and too young for many of the adult scenes. Any advice?

[woofcat]

What is the air speed of an unladen swallow?

[Assertn]

Blue or Purple nail polish?

[Zidarri the Exile]

Why is it that masturbation and hand jobs feel so different? They are the same damn thing, in essence.

[PSJ]

Why is it that masturbation and hand jobs feel so different? They are the same damn thing, in essence.

Because you do the first one with your own hands, the second is done by a female.

[Zidarri the Exile]

Well, my hands are softer than any female who's ever given me a HJ, and it still feels different. :/

Anywho; why does Mountain Dew RoXXer MY SoXXerS?

[Terracosmo]

Stop fucking answering my questions and discussing random stuff in this thread!

Answers will come soon. Will edit this post then.

(currently watching X-Men Evolution. mwah hah.)

EDIT: Said and done:

--------------------

Dear ...zellryo,

"hamburger questions"

BURGER KING > MCDONALDS
I LOVE JUNK FOOD

"If I do buy you the jar of cookies... can I get the first one?"

lol

"Can we kill Mexican Tv?"

Mexican what? Do they have TVs there?

(hi WD!)

"Can we burn the people that censor Anime in the states?"

Burn anime in the states altogether so we can stay cool and underground subjapanese!

"random sounds"

Yeah I also like to get drunk.

"> The next phrase is true.
> The previous one is false."

Terra is true, everything else is not.

"- Explain this other one.
> There are 10 kinds of people. Those who know binary code, and those that don't."

There are 2 kinds of people, the ones who laugh at this bad joke and those who don't.

---------------------

Dear person who called me Dio's bitch, a name I liked,

"In order to appease the fanboi within me, I must ask:

What name would you bestow upon a dreamteam composed of: Guts, Kenshiro, Jotaro, and Alucard (Hellsing, not Castlevania)?
These four are what I deem most hardcore (through action), and the composition is one that might hold together."

I'd call them THE BAYVILLE SIRENS! They would run around in tight jeans and shake their booties and fight evil car stealers all day long.

(did anyone catch the reference?)

------------------

Dear living fire who will find a pleasant surprise in his mailbox for not being dead,

"How do you kill a zombie? I mean they ARE the walking dead so how does one go about killing something thats already dead?"

You make them play Soul Calibur 3 until the game's damn AI makes them implode.

"If winners never quit, and quitters never win, then what's up with "Quit while you're ahead?"

Oh. That's funny. I always thought the expression was "quit while you're getting head". You know, it would save all the trouble of actually having se- ehm.. yeah, quitting is bad. Or is it?

"What happens when the unstoppable force collides with the immovable object?"

The immovable force gets jealous of her husband (unstoppable force) and files a divorce.

"How would you create a naked singularity?"

By paying a dressed singularity to take his/her clothes off?

I'm a naked singularity right now if you don't count underwear.

"I'm planning on starting a revolution in a country that is a world power. Should I invest legions of religous fanatics, a few nuclear weapons, or a company of midgets armed with electric cattle-prods?"

Midgets. harder to hit. But electric cattle-prods won't break into my super evil mega fortress of DOOM made out of bubblegum!

"What would you do if you woke up encased in green Jell-O?"

Eat myself out and die after 5 chews. But first I'd probably scream a bit due to latent claustrophobia which would develop when faced with the situation.

"What's more terrifying, a snugglepuss or a cuddlebuns?"

If anyone ever calls me snugglepuss, I will hit the person hard and then maim him/her with a pair of iron drumsticks.

Cuddlebuns sounds like something out of a bakery. Mmmmm, cuddlebuns.

--------------------

Dear mexican sombrero wielding woman,

"But super-glue ruins the skin! You wouldn't want a woman whose skin feels like an old couch!

Why not use leather?"

Leather is for saturdays. Read the schedule!

-------------------

Dear stalker-balker-schmalker-kralker and several other ugly words,

"This squirrel across the street has been-"

Get out of my thread.

---------------------------

Dear zidarri who does not belong here, (being an exile)

"Why is it that masturbation and hand jobs feel so different? They are the same damn thing, in essence."

Maybe because most women suck at doing it.
It's either,

too hard
too soft
too slow
too fast

YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO HANDLE IT LIKE THE GEARBOX OF A CAR!

...NOT A SPORTS CAR!

"Anywho; why does Mountain Dew RoXXer MY SoXXerS?"

Because your socks smell terrible?

// Terrus Nimbulus

[Zinobi]

Dear Sexfiend,
Why are teenage girls overdramatic, stuck up, religious "jerks" that hate for saying they look like a cute puppy?