Rock & Roll Situations

[Winged Dancer]

A friend sent me this - I found it funny so I translated it for you. Now read!


BE METAL!

Rock situations!!

Take the following statement into view:

“In the tallest tower of a dark castle there is a beautiful princess guarded by a terrible and enormous dragon...”

The situation will be solved by....:

Power Metal: The main character rides a white Pegasus into the castle, kills the dragon, rescues the princess and makes love to her in a far-away paradise.

True Metal: The main character enters the castle and after a taxing and bloody battle he defeats the dragon and raises his sword high, covered in dragon blood, then he makes love to the princess in the castle courtyard.

Trash Metal: The main character arrives to the castle armed with grenades and assault rifles, saves the princess and does her at some whorehouse, probably in Detroit.

Heavy Metal: The main character arrives at the castle on a Harley Davidson, kills the dragon, has a few beers with the princess chick and then they have sex.

Folk Metal: The main character arrives with some friends playing the accordion, the Irish pipes, violins and some other strange instruments. The dragon falls asleep after much dancing and they leave... without the princess.

Viking Metal: The main character arrives in a big-ass ship, kills the dragon with an axe and eats it (cooking may or may not be included). He then rapes the princess, pillages the castle and sets everything on fire before leaving.

Death Metal: The main character comes, kills the dragon, does the princess, beats her to death and leaves.

Black Metal: The main character arrives at dawn, between the mists of the early morning. He kills the dragon and impales it at the castle entrance, then he rapes the princess, cuts her open with a dagger and drinks her blood in some sort of ritual. Afterwards he discovers she wasn’t a virgin and impales her next to the dragon.

Gore Metal: The main character kills the dragon and then does the princess, kills the princess and does her corpse, sets the corpse on fire and then does the corpse again.

Doom Goth Metal: The main character arrives at the castle, looks at how big the dragon is, gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats the corpse and then eats the princess.

Nu Metal: The main character arrives at the castle and starts bragging about how great he is and how he’ll defeat the dragon. He suffers a completely humiliating defeat and runs away- He finds the princess and tells her the story of his tragic childhood. She bitch-slaps him and goes off to find the “Heavy Metal” protagonist. The main character of “Nu” takes a few Valiums and goes off to record a “The Best of...” album.

Progressive: The main character arrives with his guitar and plays an awesome solo that lasts about 26 minutes. The dragon kills itself out of boredom. He finds the princess and does another solo that display all those difficult techniques that he learnt in the last year at the conservatorium. The princess runs away to search for the “Heavy Metal” protagonist.

Hard Rock: The main character gets to the castle via a red convertible, accompanied by a pair of two busty blondes and drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels. He kills the dragon with a knife and then has an orgy with the princess and the two blondes.

Glam: The dragon laughs so much at the main character that he lets him through. He enters the castle, steals the princess’ nail polish and lipstick and then convinces the dragon of painting the castle pink and getting some blue highlights.

Classic Rock’n’Roll: The main character arrives on a bike with weed and various “medicines”, which he offers the dragon who happened to be his friend. He then camps out with the princess at some kinda-hidden place in the castle and after much sex, drugs and rock’n’roll he has an over-dose and dies drowned in his own puke.

And what couldn’t be left out...

Punk: The main character throws a rock at the dragon and then runs away to paint anarchy’s “A” all over the castle walls. He gives the princess a vaguely Mohican hairdo and then sets up a fanzine stand at some corridor.

Ska: The main character arrives accompanied by 45 high school drop-outs which face off against the dragon with their skating boards. 23 die of calcinations and 22 die squashed, the protagonist and the princess are eaten by the dragon.

Emo: The main character arrives at the castle and starts yelling bad angst metaphors at the dragon until it goes crazy and kills himself because “life is not worth it and nobody cares about me anyway”. Afterwards the protagonist gives into self-hate and after cutting himself a little dies. The princess kills herself for the sake of it, or maybe goes to find "Heavy Metal" just to spite "Emo".

Pop: The main character arrives dancing some impossible steps dressed in a glaring-white suit. The dragon breathes fire and the protagonist dies burned. The princess was a seven years-old prince, by the way.

Reggae: The main character never gets there. He’s too high.

Grounge: The main character tricks the dragon into killing himself, then courts the princess who rejects him so he commits suicide.

Hip Hop: The main character dazzles the dragon with the sheer amount of bling blings, then offers two women shakin’ their butts in exchange of the princess. The dragon accepts, but after the princess proves to be a boring white papa girl the protagonist regrets his action and sends his band to lynch the dragon for being racist.

Mariachi: The main character serenades the dragon, the princess gets jealous and kills the dragon, the villagers accuse the princess of adultery and kill her afterwards in an act of traditional social revenge.

Cumbia: The main character arrives with 40 dudes on a Rolls Royce, they start playing the accordion and drinking cheap pirated rum, they all get drunk and kill each other.

Electronic: A rave is held at the castle and everybody dies from an overdose.

Caution: Winged Dancer didn't write this, she only translated. If you found any of this racist or something, odds are she doesn't care (she "insulted" herself anyway), so don't complain too much.

[ChaosK]

Lol thats some hilarious shit right there. Especially the "pop".

[Carnage]

Lol, I like the Viking one the best: He then rapes the princess, pillages the castle and sets everything on fire before leaving.

So true.....

[xDarkMaster]

That is really funny stuff. I especially like emo.

[KoKo37]

Lol some pretty funny stuff there, my favorites were these two

Folk Metal: The main character arrives with some friends playing the accordion, the Irish pipes, violins and some other strange instruments. The dragon falls asleep after much dancing and they leave... without the princess.

Doom Goth Metal: The main character arrives at the castle, looks at how big the dragon is, gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats the corpse and then eats the princess.

[Genma]

Bwahaha. This is classic. XD

I figured I might as well just add on...

Hardcore: The main character charges at the dragon by swinging his arms and legs around like a madman. When the dragon falls he jumps on him and floor stomps his stomach, killing him instantly. He then meets the princess, who offers him a nice steak, a joint, and gold the dragon was guarding. The main character refuses because: he's a vegan, is sXe, and doesn't want to "sell out".

[Terracosmo]

I've seen this before, in english, so it's surprising that you had to translate it :O
But it did include some new ones.

My favorite has always been "progressive". The mere prospect of a dragon falling asleep out of boredom strikes me as megaultrasexydeluxe hilarious. Also because it's so true. Fucking prog metal.

[DB_Hunter]

lol the Folk metal one is funny... dragon falls asleep and they still leave without the princess...

Mariachi is class...!

[The Heretic Azazel]

Bwahaha. This is classic. XD

I figured I might as well just add on...

Hardcore: The main character charges at the dragon by swinging his arms and legs around like a madman. When the dragon falls he jumps on him and floor stomps his stomach, killing him instantly. He then meets the princess, who offers him a nice steak, a joint, and gold the dragon was guarding. The main character refuses because: he's a vegan, is sXe, and doesn't want to "sell out".

Don't hardcore kids try to flying karate kick you too or is that another group?

[Kraco]

Very good stuff, and very true. Although I had never heard of the classification "Viking Metal", despite the fact I'm almost living in the old viking lands... The description of it of course sounded exactly right.

[6Zabuza9]

the reggae one made me laugh lol

[Winged Dancer]

I think this was a chain mail that was translated into spanish and modified with the translation, since there were a bunch of very local jokes and even a few genres I wasn't able to put here - they basically don't exist in english.

Well what the hell, let's add new genres. Anyone has any ideas for, say, J-Pop?

[complich8]

jpop: singer is the princess, hero arrives on a motorcycle, nonchalantly smokes a cigarette, makes a disaffected face at the princess. Princess strings together some English words that make no sense in the context of the rest of the song, while attempting to dazzle everyone with bright flashing lights that match neither the mood of the song nor the rhythm (to make them forget that the song makes no sense). Dragon sees through the secret jpop idol distraction technique, gets annoyed by the Engrish and bright, unsuitable lighting, eats the princess. Hero and Dragon smoke another cigarette before leaving via motorcycles.

[Ryllharu]

I'd have gone more along the lines of:

Jpop: The Hero arrives at the castle, and quickly retouches his makeup, and then moodily pouts. The princess is actually a group of 11 girls, only two of which can actually sing. The dragon, thoroughly confused whether or not the hero is another princess, lets him pass. When the hero and the princesses meet, they can only communicate by stringing random english words together. The best they can manage results in "Happy, Happy, GET!" and "Lubu You." The dragon, annoyed by the shrill, completely vapid chatter leaves to find a more suitable princess to capture.

When I thought of jpop, I knew that the hero had to look like Gackt.

[complich8]

that works too ...

I was more thinking solo diva type (ayu, hikki) but I spose diva-team is another side of the jpop coin ... morning musume?

I think the dragon would eat them all though. And then enter a hyperglycemic coma and die, courtesy the fact that they're all made of roughly 95% sugar. That's a lot of sugar in one sitting, even for a dragon!