Rock & Roll Situations

[Winged Dancer]

A friend sent me this - I found it funny so I translated it for you. Now read!


BE METAL!

Rock situations!!

Take the following statement into view:

“In the tallest tower of a dark castle there is a beautiful princess guarded by a terrible and enormous dragon...”

The situation will be solved by....:

Power Metal: The main character rides a white Pegasus into the castle, kills the dragon, rescues the princess and makes love to her in a far-away paradise.

True Metal: The main character enters the castle and after a taxing and bloody battle he defeats the dragon and raises his sword high, covered in dragon blood, then he makes love to the princess in the castle courtyard.

Trash Metal: The main character arrives to the castle armed with grenades and assault rifles, saves the princess and does her at some whorehouse, probably in Detroit.

Heavy Metal: The main character arrives at the castle on a Harley Davidson, kills the dragon, has a few beers with the princess chick and then they have sex.

Folk Metal: The main character arrives with some friends playing the accordion, the Irish pipes, violins and some other strange instruments. The dragon falls asleep after much dancing and they leave... without the princess.

Viking Metal: The main character arrives in a big-ass ship, kills the dragon with an axe and eats it (cooking may or may not be included). He then rapes the princess, pillages the castle and sets everything on fire before leaving.

Death Metal: The main character comes, kills the dragon, does the princess, beats her to death and leaves.

Black Metal: The main character arrives at dawn, between the mists of the early morning. He kills the dragon and impales it at the castle entrance, then he rapes the princess, cuts her open with a dagger and drinks her blood in some sort of ritual. Afterwards he discovers she wasn’t a virgin and impales her next to the dragon.

Gore Metal: The main character kills the dragon and then does the princess, kills the princess and does her corpse, sets the corpse on fire and then does the corpse again.

Doom Goth Metal: The main character arrives at the castle, looks at how big the dragon is, gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats the corpse and then eats the princess.

Nu Metal: The main character arrives at the castle and starts bragging about how great he is and how he’ll defeat the dragon. He suffers a completely humiliating defeat and runs away- He finds the princess and tells her the story of his tragic childhood. She bitch-slaps him and goes off to find the “Heavy Metal” protagonist. The main character of “Nu” takes a few Valiums and goes off to record a “The Best of...” album.

Progressive: The main character arrives with his guitar and plays an awesome solo that lasts about 26 minutes. The dragon kills itself out of boredom. He finds the princess and does another solo that display all those difficult techniques that he learnt in the last year at the conservatorium. The princess runs away to search for the “Heavy Metal” protagonist.

Hard Rock: The main character gets to the castle via a red convertible, accompanied by a pair of two busty blondes and drinking a bottle of Jack Daniels. He kills the dragon with a knife and then has an orgy with the princess and the two blondes.

Glam: The dragon laughs so much at the main character that he lets him through. He enters the castle, steals the princess’ nail polish and lipstick and then convinces the dragon of painting the castle pink and getting some blue highlights.

Classic Rock’n’Roll: The main character arrives on a bike with weed and various “medicines”, which he offers the dragon who happened to be his friend. He then camps out with the princess at some kinda-hidden place in the castle and after much sex, drugs and rock’n’roll he has an over-dose and dies drowned in his own puke.

And what couldn’t be left out...

Punk: The main character throws a rock at the dragon and then runs away to paint anarchy’s “A” all over the castle walls. He gives the princess a vaguely Mohican hairdo and then sets up a fanzine stand at some corridor.

Ska: The main character arrives accompanied by 45 high school drop-outs which face off against the dragon with their skating boards. 23 die of calcinations and 22 die squashed, the protagonist and the princess are eaten by the dragon.

Emo: The main character arrives at the castle and starts yelling bad angst metaphors at the dragon until it goes crazy and kills himself because “life is not worth it and nobody cares about me anyway”. Afterwards the protagonist gives into self-hate and after cutting himself a little dies. The princess kills herself for the sake of it, or maybe goes to find "Heavy Metal" just to spite "Emo".

Pop: The main character arrives dancing some impossible steps dressed in a glaring-white suit. The dragon breathes fire and the protagonist dies burned. The princess was a seven years-old prince, by the way.

Reggae: The main character never gets there. He’s too high.

Grounge: The main character tricks the dragon into killing himself, then courts the princess who rejects him so he commits suicide.

Hip Hop: The main character dazzles the dragon with the sheer amount of bling blings, then offers two women shakin’ their butts in exchange of the princess. The dragon accepts, but after the princess proves to be a boring white papa girl the protagonist regrets his action and sends his band to lynch the dragon for being racist.

Mariachi: The main character serenades the dragon, the princess gets jealous and kills the dragon, the villagers accuse the princess of adultery and kill her afterwards in an act of traditional social revenge.

Cumbia: The main character arrives with 40 dudes on a Rolls Royce, they start playing the accordion and drinking cheap pirated rum, they all get drunk and kill each other.

Electronic: A rave is held at the castle and everybody dies from an overdose.

Caution: Winged Dancer didn't write this, she only translated. If you found any of this racist or something, odds are she doesn't care (she "insulted" herself anyway), so don't complain too much.