Jokes Oh Yea

[Anbu Hatake Kakashi]

i dunno if anyone did this but here's mine i got like 3 haha all m jokes are from jokes women wont laugh at or from friends




Q. what do women put behind their ears before sex?

A. their ankles


Q. whats six inches long and wrinkly and has a big head and drives women wild

A. one hundred dolllar bill




This one is the best

A naive man was a little clueless on his wedding night so he calls his mother for advice. "Take that thing you always play with and stick it where she pees. so he got his bowling ball and threw it in the toilet


i/expressions/face-icon-small-tongue.gif

[Gods_Son]

Q. Why can't Helen Keller drive?
A. Because she's a woman

[Mut]

what did fiddy cent say to his grandma when she gave him a sweater?

gee, you knit.

goodbye.

[PaD]

Um... a joke ... a joke... ummm
ok

Why do blonds stare at the sun?! TO GET BROWN EYES-
OMFG SO ROFL
ROFL
ROFLROFLROFL
LLOL OMFG LMAO

ok ok, i got another one;

Why do blonds have small injuries on their knees?!
I BET U KNOW! ROFLMAO!

I got one more;

Why do blonds play with their hair?!
ROFL I HAVE NO IDEA, YOU PROBABLY KNOW THAT ONE TOO! ROFLMAO

One more, one more;

There were two tomatoes crossing the road, then suddenly one of them get hit by a car, then the other one says ' Hurry up, ketchup!' ROFLMAO I BET U DIDNT SEE THAT ONE COMING ROFL!

[r3n]

Originally posted by: PaD
There were two tomatoes crossing the road, then suddenly one of them get hit by a car, then the other one says ' Hurry up, ketchup!' ROFLMAO I BET U DIDNT SEE THAT ONE COMING ROFL!

blatant rip from pulp fiction i/expressions/face-icon-small-tongue.gif

ok ill tell a joke, u might not get it unless ur used to british slang (mebe the yanks use this too!)

Q: What did the cannibal do after he'd just dumped his girlfriend?

A: wiped his bum!

[JusDaMan]

AIte I got a few jokes but its not a Q and A joke

A Guy in a store was selling human brains. A chinese brain, a white brain, and a black brain. The guy asks the owner. How much is the chinese brain. owner says 500 dollars. guy says how much is the white brain. Owner says 1000 dollars. how much is the black brain. owner says 1 million dollars. Guy says HOW COME ITS THAT MUCH. owner says cause its never been used.

Another one

3 couples go to a hotel. the owner put each couple in 3 floor. When the owner went to the 1st floor she heard laughing. when the owner went to the 2nd floor she heard crying. when the owner went to the 3rd floor she heard nothing.
in the morning she asked the 1st couple How come there was laughing. they answered cause it tickles. the owner asked the 2nd couple how come there was crying. they answered cause it hurts. the owner asked the 3rd couple how come there was no noise. they responded.. My mommy told me not to talk when i have something in my mouth

Aite thats all i remember for now

WHEEEEEEE

[PaD]

Originally posted by: r3n
[quote]
Originally posted by: PaD
There were two tomatoes crossing the road, then suddenly one of them get hit by a car, then the other one says ' Hurry up, ketchup!' ROFLMAO I BET U DIDNT SEE THAT ONE COMING ROFL!

blatant rip from pulp fiction i/expressions/face-icon-small-tongue.gif

I haven't even seen that movie x.X

and ye, I got your joke xDD
oh and btw
Racist joke JusDaMan :\

[Iznogoud]

Originally posted by: Anbu Hatake Kakashi


This one is the best

A naive man was a little clueless on his wedding night so he calls his mother for advice. "Take that thing you always play with and stick it where she pees. so he got his bowling ball and threw it in the toilet


i/expressions/face-icon-small-tongue.gif

Aha what a nerd

[r3n]

now for some jacko jokes:

Q: whats the difference between a white plastic bag and jacko?

A: one's white, plastic, and dangerous to kids. the other is a white plastic bag


Q: How do you know when its bed time in neverland?

A: when the big hand meets the little hand


Q: whats the difference between jacko and spots?

A: spots only come on your face when you reach 14

i/expressions/face-icon-small-tongue.gif

[Gods_Son]

There are lots of Michael Jackson jokes, never heard the Neverland bed time one before though, most of them are little boy jokes. Here's a different one...

Q. How does Michael Jackson pick his nose?

A. From a catalogue.

[Lego]

Boy 1: Wow, the holocuast must of been hell on earth, just like Mr.Jeebs taught us!

Boy 2:Yeh, you know my grandfather died in a concentration camp?

Boy 1:Really, how?

Boy 2: He fell off a guard tower..

[Mut]

so bacon and eggs walk into a bar and ask the bartender for a drink. but the bartender denies them and says, "sorry, we don't serve breakfast here."

[Banned!]

ok here's one
Q:Wat did someone say to someone tryin' to steal their chesee?
A:NA-CHO-CHEESE LOL
ok that was a stupid joke dont yea think cause i forget how the question goes but i kno the answer lol so does anyone who knos that joke plz correct me alrite

[Lego]

the lameness is what makes them funny i/expressions/devil.gif

[SK]

The Joke Thread, only funny jokes plz, heres one.

Subject: True Playa
>
>
>
> >One evening Mike went over to his friend Terry's house to play cards
> >with
>some friends. Mike sat directly across from Terry's wife. Mike dropped
>a card on the floor and bent down to pick it up. When he looked across
>the table he saw that Terry's wife had her legs open and no panties
>on.
> >He sat up and was flushed, so he went into the kitchen to get a drink
> >of
>water. To his surprise Terry's wife had followed him into the kitchen
>and said "Did you like what you saw?"
> >Mike said yes he did. She said, "Well you can get more than that but
> >it
>will cost you $500." So Mike thought about this financial situation and
>said OK. She said come here tommorrow at 2:30 because Terry will be at
>work then. Mike said, I'll see you then."
> >
> >The next day, Mike came over, they had sex, he paid her, then left.
> >Later, Terry came home and asked, "Has Mike been over here today?"
> >She
>said, thinking she had been caught, "As a matter of fact, he did."
> >
> >Terry said,"Good because that fool came by my job this morning and
> >asked to
>borrow $500 till this evening, and he would leave it with you."
> >
> >NOW THAT'S A TRUE PLAYA!!!

[jing]

Nice one! lol....

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause."

Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller:


Customer Support: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?"

Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."

CS: "What sort of trouble?"

C: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."

CS: "Went away?"

C: "They disappeared."

CS: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"

C: "Nothing."

CS: "Nothing?"

C: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."

CS: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?"

C: "How do I tell?"

CS: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?"

C: "What's a sea-prompt?"

CS: "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?"

C: "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type."

CS: "Does your monitor have a power indicator?"

C: "What's a monitor?"

CS: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?"

C: "I don't know."

CS: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?"

C: "Yes, I think so."

CS: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall."

C: ".......Yes, it is."

CS: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?"

C: "No."

CS: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."

C: ".......Okay, here it is."

CS: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."

"I can't reach."

CS: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?"

C: "No."

CS: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?"

C: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."

CS: "Dark?"

C: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."

CS: "Well, turn on the office light then."

C: "I can't."

CS: "No? Why not?"

C: "Because there's a power outage."

CS: "A power... A power outage? Ah, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?"

C: "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."

CS: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."

C: "Really? Is it that bad?"

CS: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."

C: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?"

CS: "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

[SK]

LOL!

[Board of Command]

That one's hard to believe unless the caller's suffering from memory loss.

[To Young]

There were two brothers who were identical twins. Danny was married but Roy was single and owned a small dilapidated boat. It just so happened that on the same day that Danny's wife died, Roy's boat sank. A kind old lady met Roy on the street and mistaking him for his brother Danny said, "Oh, Mr. Jones, I'm sorry to hear of your great loss. You must feel terrible."

Roy said, "Well I'm not a bit sorry, she was rotten from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up, she smelled of fish the first time I got her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a big hole in the front and a big crack in the back. The hole kept getting bigger every time I used her, and once leaked all over the place. What finished her off though was four guys from the other side of town that came looking for a good time. They asked if they could use her and I rented her to them, but warned them she wasn't too hot. But they insisted they wanted to giver her a try. The result was the crazy fools all tried to get into her at once. The strain was too much for and she cracked right down the middle."

The old lady fainted.

[KitKat]

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

[jing]

kitkat you were the engineering student =D

[Shi_No_Shikaku]

KitKat KitKat KitKat.... what have we told you about striping in public????

[Cal_kashi]

Three Berkeley CS proffessors and 3 Stanfurd profs. are on a train together on their way to a conference. They are sitting accross the aisle from each other. The Berkeley prof's see the ticket takers coming down the aisle and all get their tickets out, but one of em notices that between the three Stanfurd Professors there is only one ticket. The Berkleye professors ask the Stanfurds, where are your other tickets? The Stanfurd's reply, Watch this, and they all go and squeze into one Bathroom together, when the ticket dude comes by they stick out one arm and give him one ticket. The berkeley Professors are fairly impressed.

On the return trip the Berkeley profs and Stanford Profs are sitting across from each other again. Feeling superior from the prior meetings stunt the Stanfurd proffessors ask the Berkeley Profs how many tickets they bought this time, exclaiming that they only need one again, the Berkeley prof's say none. The Stanfurd proffesors are amazed that the Berkeleys have become so arrogant, but as they are about to ask how they plan to get away with it, they see the ticket guy again and flee to the bathroom. After a minute or so one of the Berkeley Proffesors goes to the BAthroom, knocks and says, "Ticket please" then takes it and the three Berkeley proffessors all go into the other bathroom.

[KitKat]

@ Cal_kashi: I've heard that one, it's a classic. Always funny, and adaptable to any two groups of people so you can choose who to make fun of.

The only jokes I know are calculus jokes and engineering jokes. And since there's no way I'd reveal just how much of a geek I am by telling a calculus joke, here's another engineering joke:

They were leading a priest, a drunkard and an engineer to the guillotine. They asked the priest if he wanted to face up or down when he met his fate. The priest said that he would like to face up so he would be looking towards heaven when he died. They raised the blade of the guillotine, released it, it came speeding down and suddenly stopped just inches from his neck. The authorities took this as divine intervention and released the priest.
Next the drunkard came to the guillotine. He also decided to die face up hoping that he would be as fortunate as the priest. They raised the blade of the guillotine, released it, it came speeding down and suddenly stopped just inches from his neck. So they released the drunkard as well.

The engineer was next. He too decided to die facing up. They slowly raised the blade of the guillotine, when suddenly the engineer said, "Hey, I see what your problem is."

[Cal_kashi]

Best pick up lines ever:

Lets integrate and Multiply.

or

I'd like to measure the area under your curves.

[Mae]

I, for one, want to read those calculus jokes. Anyway, here are some AI koans I found funny:

A novice was trying to fix a broken Lisp machine by turning the power off and on. Knight, seeing what the student was doing spoke sternly: "You can not fix a machine by just power-cycling it with no understanding of what is going wrong." Knight turned the machine off and on. The machine worked.

A disciple of another sect once came to Drescher as he was eating his morning meal. "I would like to give you this personality test," said the outsider, "because I want you to be happy." Drescher took the paper that was offered him and put it into the toaster: "I wish the toaster to be happy, too."

In the days when Sussman was a novice Minsky once came to him as he sat hacking at the PDP-6. "What are you doing?", asked Minsky. "I am training a randomly wired neural net to play Tic-Tac-Toe." "Why is the net wired randomly?", asked Minsky. "I do not want it to have any preconceptions of how to play." Minsky shut his eyes. "Why do you close your eyes?", Sussman asked his teacher. "So the room will be empty." At that moment, Sussman was enlightened.

[Cal_kashi]

Mae, you evil rotten monster, Lisp, how could you bring Lisp into here, of lord no not Lisp, how I loathe thee i/expressions/devil.gif

[intense]

Originally posted by: Cal_kashi
Best pick up lines ever:

Lets integrate and Multiply.

or

I'd like to measure the area under your curves.

thats like asking for a slap in the face... worst pickup lines ever

[joker-kun]

I am too lazy to read above, so if it's already posted too bad.

There is two muffins in the oven
Muffin1: Dang...it's hot in here - says the one muffin to the other.
The second muffin replies:
Muffin2: OH MY GOSH!! A TALKING MUFFIN!


HAHAHAHA!

[Board of Command]

I heard some guy saying that one in school.

[GuardianShado]

Elementary, My Dear Watson

One lovely evening, the detective Sherlock Holmes and his trusty friend Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After having dinner and drinking a few glasses of wine, they became tired and went to sleep. A couple hours passed and Sherlock Holmes awoke, and shortly thereafter woke Dr. Watson as well. He said, "Watson, look up, and tell me what you see."

Dr. Watson replied, "Well, sir, I see millions of stars in the sky."

Sherlock Holmes asked, "And what does that tell you?"

Dr. Watson paused for a moment and said, "Well, astronomically it tells me that there are billions of stars and possibly millions of galaxies in the universe. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Horalogically I can deduce that it is approximately quarter past three in the morning. Theologically it symbolizes that God is magnificent and that we humans are small and insignificant in the universe. And meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow."

To which Sherlock Holmes replied, "No, stupid! Someone has stolen our tent!"

[dragoonz]

I, for one, want to read those calculus jokes.
Seconded


Originally posted by: Cal_kashi
Best pick up lines ever:

Lets integrate and Multiply.

or

I'd like to measure the area under your curves.
Hey baby, I wish I were your derivative because then I'd be tangent to all your curves.
or
I wish I were your integral because then I'd be the area under all your curves.

But you can't go past the good ol:
You have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen... can I touch them?

And for the jokes:
An ion walks into a bar and asks "I think I left an electron here last night". The bartender replies "Are you sure?" The ion says "Yeah, I'm positive."

So there's this party. A party of functions! All the functions are there, e^x, pi*r^2, i^2, and even some old-school guys like abs(x). Anyway, poor e^x is alone in the corner being all morose. His good friend 2^x comes over and says, "What's the problem? Come on, integrate yourself into the party!" and e^x looks at 2^x and says, "Why? It's not like it's going to make a difference!"

A byte walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender asks "What's wrong?" The byte replies "Parity error." The bartender says "Oh, I thought you looked a bit off"

[KitKat]

Originally posted by: intense


Originally posted by: Cal_kashi
Best pick up lines ever:

Lets integrate and Multiply.

or

I'd like to measure the area under your curves.

thats like asking for a slap in the face... worst pickup lines ever

Not necessarily. If you were to use those lines on a girl studying, say, English Literature, then yes. However, when said to an engineering or science girl, you might get a response like, "Let's turn our potential energy into kinetic engergy." or "How about we measure the coefficient of friction between us?"

As for a calculus joke....well, I suppose I could tell one......ah, I hope I don't regret this.....

So, e^x and a constant were walking down the street, and off in the distance, they see a differential operator. The constant freaks out and says, "Crap! If he gets ahold of me, I'll be nothing!" The constant is about to run away, but e^x says to him, "Now just wait one second. I'm not going to let that differential operator bully you around. Let me handle this." So e^x walks up to the differential operator and says, "Listen, we don't want you around here. Get lost. I'm not scared of you, I'm e^x!" At this, the differential operator starts laughing, and says, "Oh yeah? Well I'm d/dy"

[Winged Dancer]

At my school there are a few pick-up lines like...

"Hey, my indifference graphs are completely intersecting my budget for you, baby!"
I can't remember many more 'cause they are lame.

Now I have to think of a joke I can translate into english... wait, I know -

Bush and Blair are talking together one day. This other guy comes by and asks

"Hey there! What are you talking about?"

"Oh, nothing," replies Bush, "We're just planning World War 3."

"I see..." says the other guy, "And what are you planning to do?"

"We'll kill 14 million muslims and one dentist." replies Blair.

"A dentist? Why a dentist?" ask the guy.

Blair turns to Bush and exclaims, "See?? I told you no one would ask about the musilms!"

[Sensei Jon]

What Your Drink Says About You!
>Before you order a drink in public, you should read this!
>Seven New York Citybartenders were asked if they could nail a
>woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed
>separately,they concurred on almost all counts.
>The results:
>Drink: Beer
>Personality:Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
>Your Approach:Challenge her to a game of pool.
>Drink: Blender Drinks
>Personality:Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
>Your Approach:Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.
>Drink: Mixed Drinks
>Personalityi/expressions/face-icon-small-blush.giflder, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky
>taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants. Your Approach:You won't have to
>approach her. If she's interested,she'll send YOU a drink.
>Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
>Personality:Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
>Your Approach:Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings
>with friends.
>Drink: White Zinfandel
>Personality:Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually,
>she has NO clue.Your Approach:Make her feel smarter than she
>is...this should be an easy target.
>Drink: Shots
>Personality:Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get
>totally drunk... and naked. Your Approach:Easiest hit in the joint.
>You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful
>not to make her mad!
>Drink: Tequila
>No explanations required - everyone just KNOWS what happens there.
>
>THEN, there is the MALE addendum ---- The deal with guys is, as
>always, very simple and clear cut:
>Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid.
>Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
>Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image
>to help him get laid.
>Whiskey: He doesn't give a damn about anything but getting laid.
>Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
>White Zinfandel: He's gay


A guy took a blonde out on a date. Eventually they ended up parked
>at a "lovers point" where they started making out.
>
>After things started getting pretty good, he thought he might get
>lucky, so he asked her, "Do you want to get into the back seat?"
>
>"NO!" she answered. Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet. Now
>he has her shirt and skirt off, the windows are steamed, and things
>are getting really hot, so he asks again, "Do you want to get into
>the back seat?"
>
>"NO!" she answers again. Now he has her bra off, they're both very
>sweaty, and she even has his pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she
>HAS to want it now. "Do you want to get into the back seat NOW?" he
>asks again. "NO!" she answers yet again.
>
>Frustrated, he demands, "Well, why not!?" "Because I want to stay up
>here with you!"

>Signs That You Are Too Drunk

>You lose arguments with inanimate objects.
>
>You have to hold onto the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.
>
>Your doctor finds traces of blood in your alcohol stream.
>
>The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.
>
>Sincerely believe alcohol to be the elusive 5th food group.
>
>You can focus better with one eye closed.
>
>The parking lot seems to have moved while you were in the bar.
>
>You fall off the floor...
>
>Your twin sons are named Barley and Hops.
>
>Hey, 5 beers has just as many calories as a burger...who needs
>dinner?
>
>Mosquitoes catch a buzz after attacking you.
>
>Your idea of cutting back is less salt.
>
>The whole bar says 'Hi' when you come in...
>
>Don't recognize wife unless seen through bottom of glass.
>
>That damned pink elephant followed me home again.
>
>I'm as jober as a sudge.

[Jman]

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the
husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2004
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

[Shuurai]

One fine Sunday morning i woke up, Turned to the clock and and saw that it was 7am. I then had a wash got dressed and went downstairs for some breakfast. upon entering the kitchen i looked at the calendar it was the 7th day of the 7th month 1997, After seeing this i thought it was my lucky day, So i sat down to eat my breakfast and looked out the window and saw 7 birds. After my breakfast i decided to take a walk, I picked up the 7 pounds remaining from last night and locked the door. I walked for 7 minutes and eventually found myself outside the betting shop, I decided to make a bet and so i walked in and looked at one of the 7 monitors and decided to make a bet. I bet my 7 pounds on the 7th horse in the 7th race




The horse then came 7th...

[SK]

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local Hooters restaurant. The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every once in a while the lights would turn. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent.

She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."

"Well, in that case I'll just look the other way," said the nun.

So, the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant, and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?"

"Well, now they know you're one of us, "said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?"

"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun.

"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out. Now, how about that drink?"

[intense]

k heres a joke

there were 4 people living in an apartment building: A blind man on the first floor, a police officer on the second floor, a fireman on the 3rd floor, and a VERY HOT lady on the fourth floor.

One day, the hot girl was taking a shower and she someone knocks on the door 3 times, confirming that it was the fireman. so the girl took her towel, frantically wrapped it around herself, went to her apartment door and opened it. The fireman said, "guess what, guess what? i just saved a cat from a tree." the hot girl replied, "thats nice", then closed the door, and went back to the shower.

then someone else knocks on the door 2 times this time confirming that it was the police officer. So the hot girl took her towel, frantically wrapped it around herself, went to her apartment door, and opened it. the polic officer said, "guess what, guess what, I just caught the number 1 wanted man in america." The hot girl replied by saying, "thats nice," then closed the door, and went back to her shower.

While taking a shower, someone else knocks on the door, ONCE, confirming that it was the blind man. knowing that it was the blind man, the lady thought, "why should i go through all the hassle of taking this towel when its just the blind man. He cant see me anyways." so she didnt put her towel on, walked to her apartment door, and opened it. The blind man then said staring at her. "guess what, guess what, i got my vision back!"

[Sigmeier]

Okay here's a christmas joke for ya. I know it's out of season but It's an original of mine.

Do a "Ho" once, shame on you.

Do a "Ho" twice, shame on me.

Do a "Ho" three times, Merry Chirstmas!

[SK]

wow that just killed it....

[JusDaMan]

There was this snob ass kid visiting his Dad's sassage factory. the kid is acting all cocky and stuff and the dad was like "aite fuck this ill give it 1 more try" . the dad toured his kid around the factory and as usual the kid was unamazed. when the tour ended the dad said
"This is the machine that when you put pigs in you get sausage"
the kid said
"How original, but can you show me a machine that when you put a sausage in and out comes a pig?"
The dad was mad pissed and said
"yes we call her your mother"

[Kagemane_no_Jutsu]

Originally posted by: Winged Dancer
At my school there are a few pick-up lines like...

"Hey, my indifference graphs are completely intersecting my budget for you, baby!"
I can't remember many more 'cause they are lame.

Now I have to think of a joke I can translate into english... wait, I know -

Bush and Blair are talking together one day. This other guy comes by and asks

"Hey there! What are you talking about?"

"Oh, nothing," replies Bush, "We're just planning World War 3."

"I see..." says the other guy, "And what are you planning to do?"

"We'll kill 14 million muslims and one dentist." replies Blair.

"A dentist? Why a dentist?" ask the guy.

Blair turns to Bush and exclaims, "See?? I told you no one would ask about the musilms!"

lmao great joke WD

[GhostKaGe]

how do you turn a cat into a dog?


cover it in petrol, light and it goes ......Woof !

[Kairi]

To add to the math jokes:

Two mathematicians were having dinner in a restaurant, arguing about the average mathematical knowledge of the American public. One mathematician claimed that this average was woefully inadequate, the other maintained that it was surprisingly high.
"I'll tell you what," said the cynic. "Ask that waitress a simple math question. If she gets it right, I'll pick up dinner. If not, you do."
He then excused himself to visit the men's room, and the other called the waitress over.
"When my friend returns," he told her, "I'm going to ask you a question, and I want you to respond 'one third x cubed.' There's twenty bucks in it for you." She agreed.
The cynic returned from the bathroom and called the waitress over. "The food was wonderful, thank you," the mathematician started. "Incidentally, do you know what the integral of x squared is?"
The waitress looked pensive, almost pained. She looked around the room, at her feet, made gurgling noises, and finally said, "Um, one third x cubed?"
So the cynic paid the check. The waitress wheeled around, walked a few paces away, looked back at the two men, and muttered under her breath, "...plus a constant."

[Assassin]

lamo

funny thing is, i always forget teh constants too.....all those marks i've lost *sigh*

[Turkish-S]

2 dumbasses walking down the street the one says to the other can i walk in the middle??
HAHAHAHA -.-

[Hellraiser]

Maddox's Latest (http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=sideways)
I don't know if it's just me but Maddox doesn't seem to be funny anymore.

[SK]

yeah i read it, not funny.

[Jman]

this is one account from a guy known as bloodninja. not your typical 'joke' but funny nonetheless



Bloodninja: Wanna cyber?
DirtyKate: K, but don't tell anybody ;-)
DirtyKate: Who are you?
Bloodninja: I've got blond hair, blue eyes, I work out a lot
Bloodninja: And I have a part time job delivering for Papa John's in my Geo Storm.
DirtyKate: You sound sexy.. I bet you want me in the back of your car..
Bloodninja: Maybe some other time. You should call up Papa John's and make an order
DirtyKate: Haha! OK
DirtyKate: Hello! I'd like an extra-EXTRA large pizza just dripping with sauce.
Bloodninja: Well, first they would say, "Hello, this is Papa John's, how may I help you", then they tell you the specials, and then you would make your order. So that's an X-Large. What toppings do you want?
DirtyKate: I want everything, baby!
Bloodninja: Is this a delivery?
DirtyKate: Umm...Yes
DirtyKate: So you're bringing the pizza to my house now? Cause I'm home alone... and I think I'll take a shower...
Bloodninja: Good. It will take about fifteen minutes to cook, and then I'll drive to your house.
**pause**
DirtyKate:I'm almost finished with my shower... Hurry up!
Bloodninja: You can't hurry good pizza.
Bloodninja: I'm on my way now though
**pause**
DirtyKate: So you're at my front door now.
Bloodninja: How did you know?
Bloodninja: I knock but you can't hear me cause you're in the shower. So I let myself in, and walk inside. I put the pizza down on your coffee table.
Bloodninja: Are you ready to get nasty, baby? I'm as hot as a pizza oven
DirtyKate: ooohh yeah. I step out of the shower and I'm all wet and cold. Warm me up baby
Bloodninja: So you're still in the bathroom?
DirtyKate: Yeah, I'm wrapping a towel around myself.
Bloodninja: I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door....
DirtyKate: What the fuck?
DirtyKate: You perverted piece of shit
DirtyKate: Fuck


LMFAO

[To Young]

Dear Technical Support:
I am currently running the latest version of Girlfriend and I have been having some problems lately. I have been running the same version of Drinking Buddies 1.0 forever as my primary application, and all the Girlfriend releases I have tried have always conflicted with it. I hear that Drinking Buddies will not crash if Girlfriend is run in background mode and the sound is turned off. But I'm embarrassed to say I cant find the switch to turn the sound off. I just run them separately, and it works okay. Girlfriend also seems to have a problem co-existing with my Baseball program, often trying to abort Baseball with some sort of timing incompatibility. I probably should have stayed with GirlFriend 1.0, but I thought I might see better performance from GirlFriend 2.0.After months of conflicts and other problems, I consulted a friend who has had experience with GirlFriend 2.0. He said I probably didn't have enough cache to run GirlFriend 2.0, and eventually it would require a Token Ring to run properly. He was right as soon as I purged my cache, it uninstalled itself.

Shortly after that, I installed GirlFriend3.0 beta. All the bugs were supposed to be gone, but the first time I used it, it gave me a virus anyway. I had to cleanout my whole system and shut down for awhile. I have cautiously upgraded to GirlFriend 4.0. This time I used a SCSI probe first and also installed a virus protection program. It worked okay for awhile until I discovered that GirlFriend 1.0 was still in my system. I tried running GirlFriend 1.0 again with GirlFriend 4.0 still installed, but GirlFriend 4.0 has a feature I didn't know about that automatically senses the presence of any other version of GirlFriend and communicates with it in some way, which results in the immediate removal of both versions.

The version I have now works pretty well ,but there are still some problems. Like all versions of GirlFriend, it is written in some obscure language I can't understand, much less reprogram. Frankly I think there is too much attention paid to the look and feel rather than the desired functionality. Also, to get the best connections with your hardware, you usually have to use gold-plated contacts. And I have never liked how GirlFriend is totally "object-oriented."

A year ago, a friend of mine upgraded his version of GirlFriend to GirlFriendPlus 1.0,which is a Terminate and Stay Resident version of GirlFriend. He discovered that GirlFriendPlus 1.0 expires within a year if you don't upgrade to FiancTe 1.0. So he did, but soon after that, he had to upgrade to Wife 1.0, which he describes as a huge resource hog. It has taken up all his space, so he can't load anything else. One of the primary reasons he decided to go with Wife 1.0 was because it came bundled with FreeSexPlus. Well, it turns out the resource allocation module of Wife 1.0 sometimes prohibits access to FreeSexPlus, particularly the new Plug-Ins he wanted to try. On top of that, Wife 1.0 must be running on a well warmed-up system before he can do anything. Although he did not ask for it, Wife 1.0 came with Mother-In-Law, which has an automatic pop-up feature he can't turn off. I told him to try installing Mistress 1.0, but he said he heard if you try to run it without first uninstalling Wife1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MS Money files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.0 won't install anyway because of insufficient resources. Isn't this a great Life??????

[SK]

this is funny, btw dont get offended.

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?
Juan on Juan

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Doughnuts?

Why is air a lot like sex?
Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do attorneys use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
45 lbs

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?
Because they have cotton balls.

What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
"Are you sure it's mine?"

Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
Mace will do that to you.

Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?
Everyone has the same DNA.

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi?
He walks around saying "Yo."

Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.

Where does an Irish family go on vacation?
A different bar.

Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby?
They named him "Sum Ting Wong".

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half-mast?
They're hiring.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with... "a recipe".

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." -A southern fairytale begins "Y'all ain'tgonnabelievethisshit....
Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides..

[Terracosmo]

Originally posted by: turkish-shikamaru
2 dumbasses walking down the street the one says to the other can i walk in the middle??
HAHAHAHA -.-

Okay, the rest of you can go home. This is the best joke I've ever seen. Seriously, it's so ingenious that it takes 5 re-readings to even grasp pieces of it's complex level of hilarity.

Well I don't have any jokes but you can watch me getting owned by a Gundam Wing fanboy at the most IQ-lacking forum available. Yay? http://www.seed-forum.com/viewtopic.php?t=12921&start=25

[SK]

this actually made me lol

Seriously, I've typed up 5 different replies now stating the sheer idiocy that is you; but everytime when I'm about to submit it, I realize you wouldn't understand a thing anyway. In short, you are an idiot.

Also,

you are an idiot.

[Roko]

A bit long, but quite hilarious. You may only get it if you read it out loud...for example, say dam and damn out loud.




This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.


SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023;
T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:


It has come to the attention of the

Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recently unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as thelegal landowner and/ or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet/stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of thistype of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that thisactivity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the PublicActs of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan


CompiledLaws, annotated.
The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003.


Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed
so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff.


Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.


We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this
matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any
questions.

Sincerely,


David L. Price


District Representative


Land and Water Management Division


** This is the actual response sent back: **

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N;
R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.


Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to
respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson,Michigan.


A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet/stream of my Spring Pond.

While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.


As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity. My first dam question to you is:


1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or
2) Do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?

If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers,
through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed
copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated. I have several concerns. My first concern is... aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation, so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer.



The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names. If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers, but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter...they being unable to read English. In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond.

If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears!


Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely think you
should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable
to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

Thank You,


Ryan DeVries
Brandy Harrington
Prevention Education Specialist
Synergy Services Inc.
(816) 777-0356 ext. 240

[Board of Command]

That's just brilliant.

[Roko]

Alrite, here are some more (Sorry for their length...I've already shortened them from the originals.)

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance he coached his patients to respond to his commands. When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts," and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts," and they all sat back down in their seats. After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled "Cheer Nuts". They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts," and they all started booing and cat calling. Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress. Finding his frazzled assistant, the doctor asked, "What in the world happened?" The assistant replied, "Well, everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"


Hereare some actual label instructions on consumer goods:
On a Sears hairdryer: Do not use while sleeping. ( and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos: ..You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside. (the shoplifter special?)

On a bar of Dial soap: "Directions: Use like regular soap." (and that would be how??...)

On some Swanson frozen dinners: "Serving suggestion: Defrost." (but, it's "just" a suggestion.)

On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom): "Do not turn upside down."? (well...duh, a bit late, huh!)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding: "Product will be hot after heating." (...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron: "Do not iron clothes on body." (but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:"Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication." (We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid: "Warning: May cause drowsiness." (and... I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights: "For indoor or outdoor use only." (as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor: "Not to be used for the other use." (now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sunsbury's peanuts: "Warning: contains nuts." (talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts." (Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume: "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly." (I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals." (..was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)

[Jman]

Funny article


AOL Admits 40% of Subscribers Don't Have Computers
Leading internet provider America Online (AOL) has confirmed a stunning statistic leaked by a dissatisfied employee last week, in documents sold to Fox News for an undisclosed sum.

"While we vigorously condemn the illegal theft of internal company documents, we must admit that they are in fact authentic," said a grim-looking Joe Redley, AOL's chief marketing officer. "Further, the facts as stated in the memos recently released to news organizations are in fact true; namely, that it does appear that a sizeable percentage of AOL subscribers do not, in fact, possess computers."

Until recently, the premier entry point to the Internet frontier, America Online is now trying to reinvent itself in a high-speed Internet world. Parent company Time Warner said last week that AOL lost 646,000 subscribers in the third quarter, reducing its subscriber count to 22.7 million U.S. members as of Sept. 30. It lost two million subscribers year over year. The revelation that 40% of its subscribers do not own computers could not have come at a worse time.

"Well, I got the disk in the mail, and it said if I wanted to subscribed I should send money to these people," said Carl Lewen, an AOL subscriber in Kentucky who does not own a computer. "It never said anything about having to do anything with the disk. I thought it was kind of like a souvenir."

According to the documents obtained by Fox, AOL became aware as early as 2001 that a substantial portion of its subscribers had no idea what a computer was, much less how to use one.

"The fact that they opted not only to keep these clients, but actually pursue such customers with increasing aggressiveness, bespeaks a serious ethical collapse at AOL," said Wired News analyst Mary Kowshik. "It's no wonder they have backed away from offering broadband service to many regions of the country - it is not profitable for them to compete in areas which actually involve offering technical services to people."

AOL was able to get away with this, apparently, because so many people are unclear as to what the internet is, or what benefits to expect from an online account.

"I kind of thought it was like subscribing to the yellow pages," said Lewen. "We kept getting copies of the phone book, so I thought AOL was doing that. I also wanted the virus protection, because it was flu season."

It is unclear whether any charges will be filed against AOL. The only complaint on record at the Internet Fraud Complaint Center is from a dissatisfied AOL subscriber who grumbled that its vaunted pop-up blocking service failed to counteract her husband's Cialis.

"Well, these documents do explain one thing," said Kowshik. "I always wondered how AOL managed to maintain a customer satisfaction rate of 40%. Now we know exactly which 40% of their client base that is."

source (http://www.watleyreview.com/2004/111604-3.html)

[Assertn]

i think that was a little too much for a sarcastic response to beaver dams.....

[SK]

lol the beaver damn one was funny. so was the one about aol, some people are morons not aol's fault.

[Uchiha Barles]

Lol! Both those jokes are funny. The AOL article is fake though. Even inbreeding can't produce that kind of stupidity without skepticism.

[010577]

alright my favourite joke...

There was once a hippy.... he was really horny and smooth... so he had scored with a lot of women before.... all types... except for a nun.... one day, on the bus, he sees the hottest nun ever! So, knowing the hippy, he approaches the nun and says, "Uh.. Miss, can I have sex with you?" The nun is offended, slaps him, and gets off the bus. "Hey kid, come over here" The bus driver signals to the hippy. The hippy, holding his slightly swollen face, hobbles over. "You know what? If you want to have sex with that nun, you have to deceive her." The hippy's face lights up. "She has a younger brother who is dying from a mysterious disease. If you say you are God and say you will save her brother, she might have sex with you!" The bus driver instructs. The hippy follows the bus driver's instructions and goes to her church... finding her in there praying! The hippy immediately puts on his white gown, halo, beard, and wings then approaches the nun. "I AM GOD! I WILL SAVE YOUR BROTHER! BUT FIRST YOU MUST HAVE SEX WITH ME..." The hippy pulls off a almighty and believing accent. The nun turns to the hippy and says, "Oh God. Please save my brother!! But.. (ponders) I cannot have sex with you as that is a violation of my nun rules, I can only offer anal sex." The hippy thinks for a bit, smirks, then reluctantly (Yeah right!) agrees. After 15 minutes of hot steaming anal, The hippy decides to blow his own cover. "He he he..." he chuckles "I'm the hippy!" The nun, stunned, replies, "He he he... I"M THE BUS DRIVER!"

sorry if this sucked

[SK]

LMAO i think ive heard it before. good one 010.

[Turkish-S]

let's revive this topic because i found a good joke..

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman wave at
him and say hello. He's rather taken aback, because he can't place where he
knows her from. So he says, "Do you know me?" To which she replies, "I think
you're the father of one of my kids." Now his mind races. He racks his
brain and travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his
wife and says, "My God, are you the stripper from Fred's stag night that I
fucked on the pool table with all my buddies watching, while your
partner whipped me with wet celery???"

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's Grade 3
teacher"

[Sasori]

She looks into his eyes and calmly says, "No, I'm your son's Grade 3
teacher"

Oh my God.. OUCH.

Anyway, a joke..

A duck walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Got any bread?"
The bartender looks at the duck and says "No."
The duck replies "Ya sure you don't have any bread?"
"Quite sure" Says the bartender looking slightly annoyed.
The duck looks up at the bartender and says "Are you really sure you don't have any bread?"
"YES, I'M SURE!! If you ask me ONE more time, I will NAIL YOUR BEAK TO THE BAR!" The bartender yells at the duck.
The duck doesn't flinch and starts to think. . . . . Finally, the duck says "Got any nails?"
the bartender says "No."
The duck replies cheerfully "Got any bread?" :D

[XanBcoo]

This is my most favorite joke ever:

One evening, a married couple had some friends over for a dinner party. The atmosphere was friendly and everyone ate and talked happily. After the meal, the men went into the living room to have some smokes and chill, while the women stayed in the kitchen and chatted. In the living room, the husband was telling his buddies about a restaurant he and his wife had been to the previous day.

"I tell ya, it was the best meal I have had in my life. That steak was perfect," He said.

"Yeah? What's the name of the place??" One of his friends asked.

"You know, I can't remember for the life of me what it was called. I think....Hey, you know that flower...the red one? With the thorns all over it? What's that called again?" The husband asked.

"You mean a Rose?" His friend answered.

"Ohhh yeah. That's it!" said the man as he turned his head to the kitchen and shouted to his wife: "Hey Rose!! What was the name of that restaurant we went to last night?!"

[Turkish-S]

> Indian With One Testicle
>>>
>>> There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named
>>> because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked
>>> everyone not to call him Onestone.
>>>
>>> After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,
>>> "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got
>>> around and nobody called him that any more.
>>>
>>> Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good
>>> morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
>>> the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made
>>> love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
>>>
>>> The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
>>> Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a
>>> woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for
>>> many years.
>>>
>>> Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw
>>> Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
>>>
>>> Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made
>>> love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all
>>> the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird
>>> wouldn't die!
>>>
>>> What is the moral of this story?????............................
>>>
>>>
>>> OH, come on...take a guess!
>>>
>>>
>>> Think about it ....... (You're going to love this!)
>>>
>>> And the moral is:
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> ...You can't kill two birds with one stone.

more jokes people come on.

[XanBcoo]

I was just reminded today of a good joke concerning grammar I heard a while ago:

Why you should never end your sentences with a preposition:

Harry was getting along in years and found that he was unable to perform sexually. After putting it off for some time, he finally went to his doctor. The doctor tried a few things, but in the end, nothing seemed to work. So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

Shortly after Harry's arrival, the medicine man says, "I can cure this." He throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says,"This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

Harry then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"

The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is "1234", and it will go down. But be warned," He said gravely, "it will not work again for another year."

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess.

That night he is ready to surprise his wife, Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion. He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123."

He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life, just as the medicine man had promised. Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks,

"What did you say 123 for?"

[masamuneehs]

Well, after much deliberation, I've decided to share with you some of the choicer dead baby jokes I've come across. These are very popular in my town when I was growing up, but I know there will be people who oppose them, so:

DISCLAIMER: These jokes are very perverse and disgusting. Read them at your own risk. However, their perverse nature also makes them horrificly humorous to those with a darker sense of humor. You've been warned.

Q: What's worse than a dead baby?
A: A pile of dead babies.
Q: And what's worse than a pile of dead babies?
A: A pile of dead babies with one in the middle trying to eat its way out.
Q: And what's worse than a pile of dead babies with one in the middle trying to eat its way out?
A: It going back for seconds.


Q: What's brown and knocking on the door?
A: A baby in the microwave.


Q: What's red and silver and can't go through a revolving door?
A: A baby with a javelin stuck through it.


Q: What's yellow, green and blue and hangs out at the bottom of a pool?
A: Baby wearing slashed floatees.


Q: What's yellow, green and black and hangs out at the bottom of a pool?
A: Same baby two weeks later.


Q: What's yellow, green and red and hangs out at the top of a pool?
A: Floatees with slashed baby.


Q: What's red and blue and orange?
A: A dead baby in a Broncos uniform


Q: What's the perfect gift for a dead baby?
A: A dead puppy.


Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
A: Take your foot off of its head.
OR
A: Two scoops of ice cream, 1 scoop of dead baby, root beer.


Q: What do you get when you set a baby on fire and kick it down some stairs?
A: An erection.


Q: What's worse than a dead baby washing up on the shore of ocean?
A: Trying to hide your erection.


Q: What's the worse part about fucking a dead baby?
A: Getting blood on your clown suit.


Q: How do you make a 4 year old cry for a second time?
A: Wipe your bloody dick off on her teddy bear.


Q: How many dead babies can you fit in a Volkswagon?
A: Depends how good your blender is.
Q: And how do you get them out?
A: Nachos.


Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
A: You have to take your boots off to jump on my trampoline, partner.

[SK]

My joke thread is better (yes a shitpost):
http://forums.gotwoot.net/showthread.php?t=9419&highlight=jokes

Merged

[python862]

> Indian With One Testicle
>>>
>>> There once was a Red Indian whose given name was "Onestone". So named
>>> because he had only one testicle. He hated that name and asked
>>> everyone not to call him Onestone.
>>>
>>> After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,
>>> "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!" The word got
>>> around and nobody called him that any more.
>>>
>>> Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good
>>> morning, Onestone." He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into
>>> the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made
>>> love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.
>>>
>>> The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
>>> Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a
>>> woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for
>>> many years.
>>>
>>> Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw
>>> Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
>>>
>>> Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made
>>> love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all
>>> the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird
>>> wouldn't die!
>>>
>>> What is the moral of this story?????............................
>>>
>>>
>>> OH, come on...take a guess!
>>>
>>>
>>> Think about it ....... (You're going to love this!)
>>>
>>> And the moral is:
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> ...You can't kill two birds with one stone.

more jokes people come on.

I'm sorry if this is a bump, but I just checked this forum out. This was definitely one of the best if not THE best joke I have ever heard.

[Spiegel]

Ok, so this guy and this girl around my age want to have a little sex. The main problem is they have to do it in a bunk bed. Normally this is not a problem, but the girl's little brother was in the bottom bunk sleeping. Well they start fooling around and the girl hops on top and says, "Ok we have to be quiet, so if you want me to go harder say lettuce, if you want me to go faster say tomato."

Well, being a guy, he is pretty much screaming a few minutes into it. "lettuce, tomato, Lettuce, tomato, LETTUCE, TOMATO!"

Finally, the boy on the bottom bunk wakes up and says to them, "Guys, you got to stop making sandwiches, your getting mayo all over me!"

[Lucifus]

Oh my God Spiegel! That is so wrong! xD. Disgusting, funny as hell.

Loved the One Stone joke, absolutly the best.

[BioAlien]

Laughing my ass off at Spiegel joke.

and, Dead baby for the win.
Every joke except this one are funny:


Q: How do you make a 4 year old cry for a second time?
A: Wipe your bloody dick off on her teddy bear.
Nothing funny about a 4 year old getting rape..

[SK]

Laughing my ass off at Spiegel joke.

and, Dead baby for the win.
Every joke except this one are funny:


Nothing funny about a 4 year old getting rape..

Shut the fuck up and relax.

[Turkish-S]

nope i hate baby jokes.

But here is another funny list :D.

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."

SMART ASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Go t stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The en tire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is r! restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

[XanBcoo]

SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, " Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Go t stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."
Not quite sure about the others, but this one is a Bill Engval "Here's your sign..." joke.

Credit where credit is due, dudes.

[ChaosK]

I've heard Spiegel's joke and the sexual exhaustion before. The Onestone one is clever.

This is a pretty good one.

One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor."

"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money, " Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor."

So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.

Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure.

Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.

The computer prints the following:

1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant...twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.

edit: And this one.

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"

"I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."

In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones.

"Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.

"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones.

"God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.

"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.

The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"

Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"

"Amen," replied the congregation.

[Psyke]

Late one night a couple is driving down a country highway and run over a opposum.

Knowing that mother opposums often carrying babies in their pouch, they decide to check out this poor animal. Sure enough, there was a baby, so they decide to rescue it.

They take it into the car and continue to drive down the road. The little opposum is scared and is squirming around like crazy, so the wife asks the husband what she should do. He thinks for a minute and says "Well, it's used to being in it's mother's pouch. Maybe if you unbutton your jeans and put it in 'there' it will calm down."

She exclaims "I'm not going to do that! That thing is smelly and nasty!"

The husband replies "Well, why don't you just hold it's little nose?"

:)