Jokes

[StAn|SeRv]

I like a laugh at good jokes so just post them here when you think of any

i start first...

Whats the best thing about F*cking 21 year olds?

There's 20 of them

[KDM]

Eww, petdilicous.

Whats brown and sticky?

SPOILER: <span style='color:#D6DBE0'>A stick</span>.

[StAn|SeRv]

more...

A little kid asks his father, &quot;Daddy, is God a man or a woman?&quot;
&quot;Both son. God is both.&quot;

After awhile the kid comes again and asks, &quot;Daddy, is God black or white?&quot;

&quot;Both son, both.&quot;

The child returns a few minutes later and says, &quot;Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?&quot;

http://www.gotwoot.net/forum/html/emoticons/mf_laughbounce2.gif

[joker-kun]

did you hear about that cerial murderer.......they found a box of cherio&#39;s stabbed to death http://www.gotwoot.net/forum/html/emoticons/mf_laughbounce2.gif

[Xollence]

What did the serial killer have in his bathroom?

Head and Shoulders

[Xollence]

/&#092; http://www.gotwoot.net/forum/html/emoticons/laugh.gif u spelled caught wrong.

[Vash105]

^ ha ha and you .... and you ....you..?? http://www.gotwoot.net/forum/html/emoticons/unsure.gif what em I laughin about you?

ok ok:

How do you know when a blondes been having a bad day?
Shes got a tampon behind her ear, and she&#39;s lookin 4 her pencil.

http://www.gotwoot.net/forum/html/emoticons/mf_gap.gif

[hachimitsu]

A new employee is hired at the <span style='color:red'>Tickle-Me-Elmo </span>factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
-
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the personnel Manager&#39;s door.
-
The foreman from the assembly line throws open the door and begins to rant about the new employee.
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He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire plant behind schedule.
-
The personnel manager decides that he should see this for himself so the two men march down to the factory floor.
-
When they get there, the line is so backed up that there are Elmos all over the floor, and they&#39;re really beginning to pile up.
-
At the end of the line stands the new employee.
-
She has a roll of red plush fabric and a big bag of marbles. The men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two marbles and begins to sew the little package between Elmo&#39;s legs.
-
The personnel manager bursts into laughter. After several minutes of hysterics he pulls himself together and approaches the woman.
-
&quot;I&#39;m sorry,&quot; he says to her, barely able to keep a straight face, “but I think you misunderstood me yesterday. Your job is to give each Elmo two test tickles.&quot;

************************************************** ******************

stupid bonus joke:

Q: How many <span style='color:blue'>surrealists </span>does it take to screw in a light bulb?


A: A fish.

[Assassin]

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.

The first one came back and said to the king, &quot;I brought ten
apples.&quot; The king then explained the trial to him. &quot;You have to
shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your
face or you&#39;ll be eaten.&quot;

The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.

The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.

The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, &quot;Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?&quot; The
second one replied, &quot;I couldn&#39;t help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples.&quot;

[Elite Hentai]

Two heteros are lying down on a nude beach. Suddenly one of them gets bitten by a red spider in the balls. It hurts so much that he can&#39;t walk anymore so his friend goes to a doctor. The doctor say: &quot;So it was a red spider, huh. You&#39;ll have to suck the poison out of the place where the spider has bitten your friend or he&#39;ll be dead in 30 minutes.&quot; After that he runs as fast as he can to his friend and when he finally arrives he says: &quot;Dude, your gonna die&#33;&quot;

http://www.gotwoot.net/forum/html/emoticons/mf_laughbounce2.gif

[StAn|SeRv]

I just thought of another;

A bear and a rabbit are taking a s**t in the woods, the bear turns to the rabbit and asks &quot;do you have problems with s**t sticking to your fur?&quot; the rabbit replies &quot;no&quot; so the bear wipes his arse with the rabbit&#33;

[Jman]

one day <span style='color:blue'>superman</span> was flying around the city when suddenly he passes over a tall building and sees <span style='color:red'>wonder woman </span>naked with her legs spread apart, so he quickly flies down upon her and starts humping her. 10 mins pass and he looks at <span style='color:red'>wonder woman</span> and asks &quot;Are you ok? <span style='color:red'>Wonder woman </span>looks up at <span style='color:blue'>superman</span> and replies &quot;I&#39;m ok, but I think you broke the invisible man&#39;s back.

[StAn|SeRv]

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, &quot;Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you&#39;ll see, you&#39;ll feel so much better&#33;&quot; The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit. Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, &quot;Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you&#39;ll see, you&#39;ll feel So good&#33;&quot; The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe. The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up and the rabbit again says, &quot;Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health&#33; ... Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good&#33;&quot; The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the crap out of the rabbit. As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, &quot;Lion, why did you do this? ... He was merely trying to help us all&#33;&quot; The lion answers, &quot;That little Bugger&#33; He makes me run around the forest like an idiot each time he is on ecstasy&#33;&quot;

[StAn|SeRv]

How to teach a girl maths? Add a bed, subtract her clothes, divide her legs, enter your square root, leave your solution and hope she doesnt multiply&#33;
http://www.gotwoot.net/forum/html/emoticons/biggrin.gif

[Elite Hentai]

/&#092; http://www.gotwoot.net/forum/html/emoticons/laugh.gif u r sexist

[StAn|SeRv]

The husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual,

&quot;I have a headache.&quot;

&quot;Perfect,&quot; her husband said. &quot;I was just in the bathroom powdering my dick with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it&#39;s up to you&#33;&quot;

[CreamOfNature]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Alabama. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, &quot;What man here will buy a lady a drink?&quot; The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end of the bar, an owly-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and bellowed, &quot;Give the ballerina a drink&#33;&quot; The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same hairy armpit, and asked, &quot;What man here will buy a lady a drink?&quot; Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and said, &quot;Give the ballerina another drink&#33;&quot; The bartender approached the little drunk and said, &quot;I say, old chap, it&#39;s your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep calling her the ballerina?&quot; The drunk replied, &quot;any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be a ballerina&#33;&quot;
http://www.gotwoot.net/forum/html/emoticons/blink.gif

[StAn|SeRv]

An Englishman,Scotsman and Irishman were in a bar drinking somewhere in South America. They noticed a pot of money in the corner and asked the barman what was it there for. &quot;Well&quot; said the barman &quot;that is there for the taking for anyone who can 1:Drink a full bottle of tequila in two minutes 2:Go into that box over there with a lion inside and pull a thorn from the lions foot. 3: finally go upstairs and make love to a 100 year old woman&quot;. What happens if we fail they enquired. &quot;If ye fail and survive&quot;, the barman said, &quot;ye&#39;ll be sold as sex-slaves to a local tribe&quot;.

Despite the risks they said they would try it. The englishman goes first and after half the tequila he collapses drunk and is taken away to be sold.

The Scotsman is next. He downs the tequila and staggers to the lion cage.The door is closed and there is a quick scream as he is eaten alive by the lion, unable to defend himself.

The irishman drinks the tequila and stumbles towards the lions den. The door is closed behind him and almost immediately there are the most spinecurdling screams and shouts coming from the cage which lasts all of ten minutes.There is banging up against the sides of the box and everything and then silence. The Irishman emerges battered,bleeding and torn - &quot;now&quot; he says &quot; where is that lady with the thorn in her foot&quot;

[SirCharlesIII]

hahahahahahaha

ok: two guys are sitting around, one&#39;s doing the crossword. he looks up and says &quot;hey michael, I&#39;ve got an awful dificult one here&quot;.

Michaels looks up and sighs &quot;right, lets hear it&quot;.

First guy: &quot;four letters, Old MacDonald had one.&quot;

Michael: &quot;God, that is difficult, right enough, isnt it?&quot;

First guy: &quot;Oh wait, I&#39;ve got it&#33;....Farm&#33;&quot;

Michael: &quot;Oh of course&#33; farm, farm, how do you spell that?&quot;

First guy&quot;I think its ee ay ee ay oh&quot;
http://www.gotwoot.net/forum/html/emoticons/mf_laughbounce.gif

[SirCharlesIII]

<span style='font-size:14pt;line-height:100%'>hahahahahahahahahha</span>
brilliant http://www.gotwoot.net/forum/html/emoticons/smile.gif

[High Wind]

There are 3 missionaries that are sent to a remote island to convert a tribe. Upon entering the tribes territory they are ambushed and surrounded with men holding spears. One of the men say &quot;We are going to kill you and use your skin for canoes. Do you have any last requests?&quot;

The first missionary gets goes into blind rage and starts swiping at the men with spears. He is killed and gets skinned alive

The second missionary says &quot;God will save me&quot; and he runs into a spear, killing himself

The thrid missionary says &quot;I have a last request. Can i have a fork?&quot;
The tribesmen give him a fork.

When he gets the fork he starts stabbing himself repeatedly all over his body while the tribesmen are standing around wondering WTF he was doing. Then he yells out &quot; TRY TO MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS&quot;


i&#39;ll admit its not that funny http://www.gotwoot.net/forum/html/emoticons/dry.gif

[StAn|SeRv]

An Englishman, Scottishman and Irishman all doing an experiment where they stay in a cave for a year. They are allowed anything they want to last them the whole year, the Englishman choose food, the scottishman chooses drink, the irishman choses Cigarettes.

One year later they open the caves, The englishman comes out, &quot;I&#39;m fine, that food was lovely.&quot;

The Scottishman comes out &quot;That drink kept me goin the whole time,&quot;

The Irishman is just sitting there though with all of these cigarettes around him unopened. Stares at the man openin the cave and says, have you got a lighter mate.

http://www.gotwoot.net/forum/html/emoticons/laugh.gif

[Power PMV]

http://www.gotwoot.net/forum/html/emoticons/laugh.gif http://www.gotwoot.net/forum/html/emoticons/laugh.gif those last two were good

[StAn|SeRv]

found another one...

Guys talk dirty to girls, that&#39;s sexual harassment. Girls talk dirty to guys, that&#39;s &#036;3.99/minute.

[StAn|SeRv]

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He
thinks to himself, This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder&#33; So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.
Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies-two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him, Officer, I don&#39;t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit&#33; What seems to be the
problem?

Ma&#39;am, the officer replies, you weren&#39;t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.

Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...Twenty- two miles an hour&#33; the old woman says a bit proudly.

The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. But before I let you go, Ma&#39;am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven&#39;t muttered a single peep this whole time, the officer asks with concern. Oh, they&#39;ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 119.

[StAn|SeRv]

There was an Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman who all worked as builders constructing a skyscraper. At lunch they would go sit at the top where they worked and open their lunchboxes. The Englishman had Cheese sandwiches, the Scotsman had ham sandwiches and the Irishman had jam sandwiches. The following day they were all up the top of the skyscraper again and lunch time came around. They all opened their lunchboxes and again the Englishman had Cheese sandwiches, the Scotsman had ham sandwiches and the Irishman had jam sandwiches. They were very annoyed at all having the same sandwiches so made a pact that if they had the same sandwiches the next day they would jump of the skyscraper. The next day came and to the relief of the Englishman he had beef sandwiches. The Scotsman also had a different filling of chicken. However the Irishman was not so lucky and again had jam sandwiches, so he jumped off the skyscraper to his death.

At the funeral the Englishman and Scotsman met up with the Irishman’s wife who was very distraught. The Englishmen then said to the Irishman’s wife, what a tragic death it was and explained that he killed himself because the she had made him the same sandwiches for three days in a row.

She then replied, “But he makes his own sandwiches.”

[KDM]

</div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (High Wind &#064; Dec 4 2003, 10:28 PM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'>The first missionary gets goes into blind rage and starts swiping at the men with spears. He is killed and gets skinned alive.</td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'>
Is that possible? http://www.gotwoot.net/forum/html/emoticons/blink.gif

Ok here&#39;s mine.

One day a little boy and his grandfather go fishing.

They set thier hooks and cast thier lines then wait patently for some fish.

After some time passes the grandfather takes out his flask and begins taking sips of his whiskey. The little boys asks,
&quot;Grandpa, can I have some?&quot;
to which the grandfather replies, &quot;Can your penis touch your asshole?&quot;

&quot;No.&quot; The boy replies.

&quot;Then your not old enough.&quot;
Some more time passes and still no fish. The grandfather decides to smoke his pipe to help pass the time. After he lights it and blows a few smoke rings the little boy asks &quot;Grandpa, can I try?&quot;
Again the grandfather asks, &quot;Can your penis touch your asshole?&quot;

&quot;No.&quot; The boy replies sadly.

&quot;Then your still not old enough&quot;

Some more time passes and the grandfather has finished his flask and pipe. The little boy gets hungry and takes out a bag of cookies from his backpack. After eating a few his grandfather asks, &quot;Hey sonny, how about giving your ol&#39; grandpa a cookie?&quot;

The little boy replies, &quot;Can your penis touch your asshole?&quot;

chuckling the grandfather says, &quot;Of course&#33;&quot; and holds out his hand.

The little boy replies, &quot;Good, then go fuck yourself, these are my cookies.&quot;

[Jman]

</div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE (StAn|SeRv @ Dec 5 2003, 02:01 AM)</td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'> found another one...

Guys talk dirty to girls, that&#39;s sexual harassment. Girls talk dirty to guys, that&#39;s &#036;3.99/minute. </td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'>
lol good one.

[Elite Hentai]

KDM: http://www.gotwoot.net/forum/html/emoticons/mf_laughbounce2.gif http://www.gotwoot.net/forum/html/emoticons/mf_laughbounce2.gif http://www.gotwoot.net/forum/html/emoticons/mf_laughbounce2.gif http://www.gotwoot.net/forum/html/emoticons/mf_laughbounce2.gif http://www.gotwoot.net/forum/html/emoticons/mf_laughbounce2.gif http://www.gotwoot.net/forum/html/emoticons/mf_laughbounce2.gif http://www.gotwoot.net/forum/html/emoticons/mf_laughbounce2.gif http://www.gotwoot.net/forum/html/emoticons/mf_laughbounce2.gif http://www.gotwoot.net/forum/html/emoticons/mf_laughbounce2.gif http://www.gotwoot.net/forum/html/emoticons/mf_laughbounce2.gif

[DB_Hunter]

Lol the moment I read

</div><table border='0' align='center' width='95%' cellpadding='3' cellspacing='1'><tr><td>QUOTE </td></tr><tr><td id='QUOTE'>ok
so theres two preist and two boys sitting in a row boat rowing in a lake</td></tr></table><div class='postcolor'>

I started chuckling.

[Tippo]

Gross one I was told by one of my friends uncles lol


A young girl walks into the bathroom while her father is taking a shower and says
&quot;Daddy daddy, what&#39;s that?&quot;
The dad replys; &quot;That&#39;s my penis, hunny&quot;
Kid asks &quot;When will I get one&quot;
Dad smirks and says &quot;As soon as mommy leaves&quot;



<span style='font-size:21pt;line-height:100%'>o_O</span>

[Jman]

Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw &quot;911&quot; on the back and thought it was a Porsche.

i know it&#39;s not all that funny.

[StAn|SeRv]

Heres another one;

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

&quot;I&#39;m sorry sir, but I am blind and can&#39;t read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer, I&#39;ll smell it and order from there.&quot;

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man&#39;s table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. &quot;Ah, yes that&#39;s what I&#39;ll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes.&quot;

Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner&#39;s wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakingly brings him a menu again. &quot;Sir, remember me? I&#39;m the blind man.&quot;

&quot;I&#39;m sorry, I didn&#39;t recognize you. I&#39;ll go get you a dirty fork.&quot;

The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, &quot;That smells great, I&#39;ll take the Macaroni and chesse with broccoli.&quot;

Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner things the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he&#39;s going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner see&#39;s him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, &quot;Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.&quot; Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. &quot;Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.&quot;

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, &quot;Hey&#33; I didn&#39;t know that Mary worked here&#33;&quot;

[Jman]

lmao that was great Stan|SeRv.


here&#39;s a saying:

Confucius say, to meet girl in park is good, but to park meat in girl is better.

[StAn|SeRv]

that`s a good one too, animemaster.

Just remembered this one as well, enjoy...


Once upon a time.....there was a little old man who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged six miles every day. One morning he looked into a mirror and was admiring his body when he noticed that he was suntanned over his entire body with the exception of his penis. He decided to do something about it. He jogged to the beach, completely undresses and buried himself in the sand except for his penis.

Just then two little old ladies were strolling along the beach, one walking with a cane. Upon seeing this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it about with her cane. She remarked to the other old lady:

&quot;There ain&#39;t hardly no justice in the world&quot;.

The other little old lady asked: &quot;What do you mean by that?&quot;

&quot;Well&quot;, she said,

&quot;When I was 15, I was curious about it.&quot;

&quot;When I was 20, I enjoyed it.&quot;

&quot;When I was 30, I asked for it.&quot;

&quot;When I was 40, I begged for it.&quot;

&quot;When I was 50, I paid for it.&quot;

&quot;When I was 60, I prayed for it.&quot;

&quot;When I was 70, I forgot about it.&quot;

&quot;And now that I&#39;m 80, the damn things are growing wild and I&#39;m too old to squat.&quot;

[sangai]

im a post a semi dirty joke if you get offened by the making fun of priests dont read it
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ok
so theres two preist and two boys sitting in a row boat rowing in a lake
when one preist notice a hole in the boat. in a panic he tells the other preist to start bailin water, at this point the other preist ask says what about the boys and the other preist responds fu*# the boys and then the other preist says we have time for that

[StAn|SeRv]

700 Saddam loyalist today demonstrated shouting &quot;Saddam is in our minds, Saddam is in our hearts&quot; to which monitorin Military Police men and Soldiers replied &quot;Saddam is in our jail&quot;

[Elite Hentai]

What is Bruce Lee&#39;s favorite drink?







WATAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA&#33;&#33;


<span style='color:gray'>(the way he says water, laugh or I&#39;ll kill you)</span>