The Jokes Thread

[Killa-Eyez]

Hi all! Started this thread for any of you with a good joke for an good ol' belly aching, tear dropping laugh! The 1st one posted by me offcourse, found it on a random site:

After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart.
Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton -like most men- found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women, and loved to browse. One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart.

Dear Mrs. Fenton,


Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillancecameras.

1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it
right away."
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
6. September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
7. September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them
in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
8. September 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
9. October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.
12. December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.
13. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
14. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed "OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN !"

And last, but not least

15. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, "Hey! There's no toilet paper in here!"

Regards,

Walmart.

Hope you all had a laugh!
Keep 'em coming! :D

[saman]

there's already a thread about jokes.

http://forums.gotwoot.net/showthread.php?t=5063

[Killa-Eyez]

Crap! I searched, really...
But I searched for threads with the word Joke in it...
Thought that if the s was at the end It would show that result to.. Sorry all, some mod can close this thread. I'll put my post in the other one.

[Lucifus]

Meh, its an admin decision but I wouldn't mind a new joke thread. Never visited the old one as no one uses it and everything in there is kinda lame. =P

[XanBcoo]

A mod can probably merge the two (or three, I think) Joke threads. No worries.



1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
2 . July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

11. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the " Mission Impossible" theme.

I cannot say I have not done all of these things or similar. No one likes taking me to Wal-mart anymore. Does anyone else love stopping in the toy aisle for 15 minutes, making DVD-castles out of the stuff in the bargain bins, or pressing any button that makes noise repeatedly? Jesus, it really is like a playground in there.

[SamuraiOdin]

"Disorder in the Court: Great Fractured Moments in Courtroom History" is a collection of things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down by court reporters. It must be tough to record some of these exchanges without laughing out loud. Fun reading for anyone, but if you have a friend who's a lawyer or a judge, it might be the perfect gift for them.

Here are some samples from the book:

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband
said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a
person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby)
was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition
notice, which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead
people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time t hat you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy on him!
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a
pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

[Abdula]

LOL, damn that was funny.

[saman]

hahaha good one! the urine sample and male or female ones were my favourite.

[Kraco]

The last one was the perfect one to end the post.

Good stuff.

[Idealistic]

LOL... Nice ones.

[Spiegel]

Loving the attorney jokes, priceless. Favorite has to be the last one.

Also, if you like these you might like the ones from the other joke thread (http://forums.gotwoot.net/showthread.php?t=5063&page=4), though no one has posted in it in a while.

[Killa-Eyez]

Eeeuhm, don't really know where to post now...
Butta... here's a thinker:

Political Correctness

Political Correctness is a doctrine, fostered by a delusional, illogical, liberal minority and rabidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media, which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a turd by the clean end. :p

Edit: And a gross one:

A young cowboy walks into a seedy cafe in Western Oklahoma. He sits at the counter and notices an old cowboy with his arms folded staring blankly at a full bowl of chili. After fifteen minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the young cowboy bravely asks the old cowpoke, 'If you ain't gonna eat that, mind if I do?'
The older cowboy slowly turns his head toward the young wrangler and in his best Okie manner says,
'Nah, go ahead.'
Eagerly, the young cowboy reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili.
The sight was shocking and he immediately barfs up the chili into the bowl.
The old cowboy quietly says, 'Yep, that's as far as I got, too'.

Edit 2: And check this out!

I TRULY DID NOT KNOW THIS!!!!

LAS VEGAS CHURCHES ACCEPT GAMBLING CHIPS!!!

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.

NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT
CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.

THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.





THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS.



YOU DIDN'T EVEN SEE IT COMING DID YOU?

[Zati]

"Just when it's raining"

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God! Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope. Just when it's raining.'

[Xelbair]

Neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink.
"how much do i pay?" asks the neutron.
"no charge" responded bartender.

Newton, Einstein and Pascal are playing hide and seek. Einstein got chosen to be the seeker. When Einstein started counting Pascal run as fast as he could, but Newton just drew a square and stood inside it behind Einstein. Einstein, disappointed, asked "Why you did not hide Newton?". he responded "Hey, it's one newton on one square meter so therefore its pascal, not Newton!"

Physics geek here..

[Killa-Eyez]

Bah-dum, tssssssss.

Edit: Ok, I'll post one too....

You know what you should do when you've got only half a year to live?
Go live with your mother in law, it lasts forever!

[Assassin]

Neutron walks into a bar and orders a drink.
"how much do i pay?" asks the neutron.
"no charge" responded bartender.

Newton, Einstein and Pascal are playing hide and seek. Einstein got chosen to be the seeker. When Einstein started counting Pascal run as fast as he could, but Newton just drew a square and stood inside it behind Einstein. Einstein, disappointed, asked "Why you did not hide Newton?". he responded "Hey, it's one newton on one square meter so therefore its pascal, not Newton!"

Physics geek here..

hahaha, love it

[DO]

I got a joke for you:

Who is the gayer than assassin?

...

NOBODY! He is the biggest faggot ever! LOLOLOL

[Animeniax]

DO is gay. Assassin just happens to be gay +1.

[Assassin]

your mom doesn't think so DO....oh snap!

also, stop derailing this thread!

[Assertn]

your mom doesn't think so DO....oh snap!

also, stop derailing this thread!

(except DO's mom is actually a dude) UH OH.

[Sandldan]

A female cop pulls over a drunk driver and she says:
"Anything you say can and will be held against you."

The drunk man replies: "TITTIES!"

[DO]

(except DO's mom is actually a dude) UH OH.


Vile scum you are a shitty person!

[Xelbair]

This is the joke thread so that was a joke.
We can represent joke as negation in logic.
therefore your sentence means:
"You are great person"

[The Heretic Azazel]

Ever seen an ugly motherfucker wrapped in plastic?

Look at your driver's license.

[Archangel]

(except DO's mom is actually a dude) UH OH.

http://i.imgur.com/mNVCR.jpg

[darkshadow]

cept cartman's mom is actually his mom.

[Archangel]

cept cartman's mom is actually his mom.
Fuck retconning, i liked the original better >_>

[Killa-Eyez]

It's red, sits in a corner and is getting smaller...

A baby with a cheese slicer..

[Cal_kashi]

What's brown and lives in a tower?


the lunch-bag of notre-Dame!